Wednesday 29 May 2013

Round 9 - Hawthorn v Gold Coast Suns

MCG, Sunday 26 May 2013


Nearly blinded by the Suns



It’s like a kind of unbearable weightlessness, an excruciating limbo, that feeling you have when the Hawks are playing but you have no access to the scores and no way of knowing what’s transpiring.

The Opera House lights up,
even if the Hawks don't.
This was my uneasy state on Sunday as I boarded a plane in Sydney 10 minutes before the bounce, meaning that for the entire duration of the flight, I was going to be out of range and incommunicado with no way of knowing what was happening with the Hawks. The match was happening somewhere and I couldn’t experience it, or even conjure it, despite being on Qantas 767 fitted with personal iPad with Q Streaming (I mean why bother with an iPad if all you’ve got is bland airline entertainment and no way of streaming live AFL?). I was suffering an existential anxiety, like that feeling when you’re basking in new love but you’re apart from the object of your devotion, yet you try to imagine what they’re doing, seeing, even feeling.

But I shouldn’t over dramatise it; after all, we were only playing the Gold Coast Suns. Even though they were on a two game winning streak, if two in a row can be said to be a streak, those two wins were against weak opposition, whereas with the Hawks, you’ve basically got Mitchell, Hodge, Franklin, Lewis, Sewell, Burgoyne and Roughead against, well, Ablett and a few kids. Even if we’re a bit off our game and the Suns are at their peak, surely we’ll be five or six goals up by the time I can get the scores.

WTF?


So imagine my disbelief when the captain invited us to turn on our phones and I rustled up the half-time score on the AFL app, only to discover that we were losing. How could we be two goals behind? What on earth had been going on?  I got that sick feeling in the stomach, the feeling of impending doom that Eddie McGuire must have felt this morning after suggesting Adam Goodes help promote King Kong, or that Wayne Swan must have experienced after spending three years guaranteeing a federal budget surplus only to discover his calculations were out by, well, $12 billion or so.

On the upside, there was more chance of the Hawks coming back against the Suns than there is of Wayne Swan and the government coming back into contention at the election.

“Just saw the scores…WTF?” I texted to Chan-Tha, who was at the game.

“I know. We’re dropping marks and can’t kick straight. Quite sloppy play by us.”

“Birchall late withdrawal.”

“Here’s a stat – 3 out on the full by Buddy.”

I’d read enough. By this stage I’d made my way from the airport to home and the third quarter was underway. I noted via the AFL app that we’d hit the front, but the Suns still seemed to be kicking goals with unwelcome regularity.

Surely they couldn’t run over us. It makes it very hard to hang it on Collingwood fans if we go and get beaten by the Suns. Mind you, it’s still fine to mock Saints fans – getting beaten by the Suns is nowhere near as embarrassing as being beaten by the Bulldogs.

“Sorry Phillip, not lots of updates, too stressed & frustrated” texted Chan-Tha.

Footy fidelity


I'll never be unfaithful to Hawthorn
- photo hot-scarlettjohansson-
wallpaper.blogspot.com
I know how she felt. It struck me that barracking for a football team is like being in a long term relationship. Just as with your team, you love your partner to the exclusion of all others, you follow them everywhere and support them through thick and thin, you admire their swagger, you’re titillated by their hosiery, their muscle definition; you know their ways and appreciate their potential, you’re familiar with all their traits and nuances, yet it is this very familiarity, this deep knowledge and ongoing devotion that can cause you to grow frustrated when they don’t behave as they should, make you maddened by their antics when they fail to deliver on their promise. You can become annoyed and irritated, but of course you’ll never leave them. You’ll never renounce them or be unfaithful … OK so that’s where the analogy falls down. Obviously I’ll never be unfaithful to Hawthorn, no matter what, but despite being married for 17 years, if Scarlett Johansson sent me a vulgar tweet demanding immediate sexual gratification, I’d be oiling up before you could sing ‘We’re a happy team at Hawthorn’.

Meanwhile, the Hawks were maintaining a 4 to 5 goal lead throughout the final quarter. Not great, but really, a win is a win. Melbourne and St.Kilda wouldn’t be quibbling over the margin if they could get a win, so really, we should be thankful that the Hawks had the ability to turn it on and turn it round.

Buddy had shaken off whatever torpor had affected him and slammed on five goals, including a trademark long bomb from 50 out on the left-hand flank. Sammy was working the ball forward and was on hand when we needed him most; trailing by 17 points half way through the third quarter, it was Mitchell who started a forward move with a long handball, and was eventually in the right place to take a handball from Hill and turn onto his left boot to get us going again. Then Burgoyne slotted two over his shoulder and we were back in front. Phew.

“What an absolute disgrace of a human being” 

Nicky Rowsell on Facebook

I saw these highlights online after the event, safe in the knowledge of victory, but I’m glad I didn’t have to squirm through it all. Even so, I was shocked to read later that Hawthorn fans had given Buddy bronx cheers after holding a mark. You can’t turn on Buddy people!  No matter how many marks he drops or kicks he slices off his boot. OK, so I wasn’t there and didn’t see how he was playing in the first half, but presumably he wasn’t the only player performing below par. And we don’t want to annoy him or give him a reason to leave. Are you mad! As if he doesn’t have enough reasons to leave Melbourne.

He’d had enough abuse during the week. The week wasn’t going smoothly for Buddy as it was, and I don’t mean the story on the front page of the Herald-Sun about him abusing a girl at a night club, I mean the shirt he was wearing in the accompanying photo. It looked like something you’d buy at Ishka, a sort of Incan Hawaiian shirt, if that makes sense.  It doesn’t? Well, you’ve got it. Teamed with a brown brimmed hat – was it a cowboy hat, a leatherette trilby? – either way, you know it wasn’t taken on the night as there’s no way he’d have been let into a Chapel St bar wearing that.

“Rude, obnoxious, arrogant, sexist, a pig and an all-round rude human” sayeth Nicky Rowsell of Buddy. I notice she says nothing about his questionable dress sense.

“You are nothing more than a cashed up bogan that can kick a ball” she added. Is the rest of that sentence “out on the full”, because there are some footy fans who would find the barb about being able to kick a ball to be the most outrageous accusation in the whole litany.

Of course we don’t know what provoked Buddy to say anything to this girl, let alone anything abusive, as the Herald-Sun, that noted organ of truth and justice doesn’t provide this perspective. They had to leave space for the lurid “Exclusive Buddy Boozer” headline. Are you automatically a ‘boozer’ by virtue of being in a bar? And is it an ‘exclusive’ simply because there’s no actual story and no other reputable newspaper, or even The Australian, would print it?

This is journalism of the trashiest kind, but the most shocking aspect is the byline of Lucie van den Berg…surely no relation to the ex-Hawthorn captain!

Followers of Buddy’s Twitter feed did get the odd hint as to what had transpired, and it seems there might be another side to the story. I’m just glad that the self-confessed “5 ft 2 petite girl” (a fact you might include if you were writing a singles ad perhaps, but hardly relevant in a tirade against someone else) Nicky is not such an ‘absolute disgrace of a human being’ or so ‘rude’ and ‘obnoxious’ that she’d ever abuse someone publicly, by say, publishing a personal attack in a global forum like the internet or a daily newspaper…oh wait, she did.

“Man machine, super human being” 

Kraftwerk at the Sydney Opera House


The reason I missed the match was because I was in Sydney to see German electronica pioneers Kraftwerk who were playing at the Sydney Opera Hose as part of the Vivid festival.

So while Nicky may see an “absolute disgrace of a human being”, I’m with Ralf Hutter from Kraftwerk, who in the opening song on the night sang of the “Man machine, super human being” an obvious reference to Buddy’s prowess.

"Kick it to me" - photo: au.timeout.com


Racism Round


As it happens, Buddy’s apology to Nicky Rowsell would turn out to be of little interest to anyone by Friday night. It wasn’t even the most widely reported apology of the weekend. Or indeed the week that has followed.

Indigenous round seeks to highlight the tremendous contribution to Australian football of the indigenous community, as well as celebrate the great indigenous players past and present. It’s one of the AFL’s better ideas for a concept round, given that most supporters can look to their own team and applaud a great indigenous player.  Or several in Hawthorn’s case, including Buddy, Burgoyne, Cyril and Brad Hill.

It’s a shame then that this year Indigenous Round has simply highlighted the entrenched and endemic racism in our society. First there was the 13 year old girl in the crowd who vilified Adam Goodes but who ‘didn’t mean it in a racist way’, then the footage of the bloke in the crowd ranting about perceived favouritism to aboriginal players. And then today, Eddie McGuire’s comments. Despite the current evidence, racism isn’t confined to Collingwood supporters, as reports of comments from Hawthorn fans directed at Majack Daw illustrate.

Eddie McGuire may well protest that he’s no racist, and I believe him, but it didn’t prevent him from making a flippant racist remark. It’s possible to know how you should behave while still doing the complete opposite. Of course what makes Eddie’s remarks doubly hard to understand is that they come just five days after he displayed such forthright leadership on this very issue when he stood up to commend Adam Goodes.

All I can think of to explain the strange disconnect between Eddie's actions on Friday night and his words this morning, is that on Friday he was in the role of club president, whereas this morning he was just being a buffoon on a commercial radio breakfast show. These two roles are perhaps incompatible.  

Perhaps what Indigenous round has shown us this year is that it’s not quite time to hang the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. Perhaps we need to do more than pat ourselves on the back about our inclusiveness, design special jumpers or stage special matches. It might be that these things will eventually play a role in bringing about reconciliation, but there’s a bit more reconciling to go for a large number of footy fans.

Of course I tend to view most issues through a Hawthorn prism, and this is no exception. Eddie’s remarks, if nothing else, make some of Jeff Kennett’s more outlandish statements as president of Hawthorn sound quaint and innocuous by comparison.

Sunscreen warning 


It may be true that our victory over the Suns could have been more commanding, but then it might be equally true that the Suns are actually becoming accomplished.

This is their third season and many of their younger players have now played 50 games or so, which is about where Buddy, The Rough and Lewis were in 2007, their breakout season. Given that, we might need to break out the Factor 15 to protect ourselves from the Suns in the coming years, so perhaps we should bask in our victory while we can.


Final scores: Hawthorn 18 10 118  d  Gold Coast Suns 14 8 92






Tuesday 21 May 2013

Round 8 - Hawthorn v Greater Western Sydney


Aurora Stadium, Saturday 18 May


Let's Get High on Hawthorn


“Hawthorn...S Mitchell...Three votes” 


Mitchell overhears talk about him being
subbed-off
Half way through the third quarter and apropos of nothing in particular, the Fox Footy commentary team of Anthony Hudson, Brad Johnson, Tony Shaw, David King and Ben Dixon (there may well have been others) pondered the optimum time for Hawthorn to introduce its sub into the match. They then began to opine about which player Hawthorn might sub-off to facilitate The Poo’s injection into the fray. Surprisingly perhaps, they settled on Sam Mitchell on the basis that he had probably already secured the three Brownlow medal votes. Following this line of reasoning further, one of them suggested that subbing-off Mitchell would in fact be proof that he already had the three Brownlow votes.

This raises several questions – chief among them being why would we ever sub-off Sam Mitchell while he is still conscious – but also, should the coaching panel really be basing their decision on the likelihood or otherwise of Brownlow voting? And if so, would it not make more sense to sub-off someone playing poorly, someone who is unlikely to figure in the votes, and keep the good performers on the field? Even if the coaching panel is going to rest the good players without putting Brownlow votes at risk, this presupposes they have some insight into the vagaries of Brownlow voting, when really, the very fact that Sam Mitchell hasn’t won at least one Brownlow medal already exposes a gaping flaw in the system and renders useless the idea of trying to second guess it.


“Ya, hallo Malmo. Amaaazing show! Our maximum points go to Hawthorn”


"Hawthorn. S Mitchell. 3 votes"
- photo eurovision.tv

As it happens, the only voting system more flawed than the Brownlow, and only slightly less boring to watch was also taking place over the same weekend. I refer of course to Eurovision. The only real difference between the two events is that the Brownlow isn’t preceded by a four hour production of over the top, high camp pop songs performed by a succession of ludicrously costumed vocalists. Perhaps it would be better if it was.

The other difference between the two events is that participants in Eurovison squeal and wave team flags every time they get a vote, whereas AFL players shrug their shoulders dismissively and shake their heads to convey that there must have been some regrettable mistake.  Wouldn’t the Brownlow be better with a little less macho modesty and a bit more high-fiving, whoop whooping, “I’m da man…I’m gonna take you down!” type antics from the boys?

The AFL could certainly learn a few lessons from the production of Eurovision. Instead of Andrew Demetriou intoning the ‘one vote, two votes, three votes’ mantra, they could adopt a similar system to Eurovision, with the umpires appearing by video link to announce their votes. They could film a selfie video in their dressing room after each match and then show it on the night. And Bruce Macavaney could sit centre stage like Petra Mede, receiving the votes while wearing a long, layered white gown, like a figurine on a wedding cake. A few lesbian kissing scenes a la Finland’s entry might also enliven the night.

Incidentally, this year’s winning song, ‘Only Teardrops’ by Emmelie de Forest of Denmark, contains a refrain of “How many times can we win and lose” suggesting it might refer to a win-loss ratio.

And after Saturday’s win over GWS, our win-loss ratio is a very healthy 7-1. It may seem peevish to be slightly dissatisfied with an 83 point victory, but last time we played the Giants we won by 162 points – that’s a 79 point turnaround! A repeat of that and we’re down to a match decided by a kick.

Vodka eyeballing


"Skol...Skol...Skol!"
Like most Hawthorn fans, I approached this match like an addict anticipating a good binge, the equivalent of the transition from sipping a vodka, lime & soda to vodka eyeballing. I wanted an immediate and intense rush; I wanted a glut of goals. And while we kicked the first five goals and five of the last six, for the middle part of the match we were, by comparison, like a recovering heroin addict on the methadone program, getting our fix in small doses.

Of course I draw this analogy on the back of news that there’s been a sharp increase in AFL players testing positive to illicit drugs – the fun ones that is, not the illicit ones that can potentially make you better at football. No one has tested positive to those, although there seems to be plenty of evidence to suggest that players are taking them nonetheless.

Cocaine is apparently the recreational drug of choice among AFL players; a drug that reportedly provides the user with an increased sense of energy and alertness, a heightened mood and a feeling of supremacy. Ok, so it might sound like a character study of Buddy, but let’s not jump to conclusions. When you consider that cocaine also increases irritability, paranoia, restlessness and anxiety, you’re probably referring to the Melbourne coaching team, or the person who thought it would be a good idea for Bonnie Tyler to represent the UK at Eurovision.

Hawthorn – my drug of choice


There was an initial rush of sorts. Once Buddy passed to Rough for the first goal, three more followed quickly from Shiels, Hodge and Burgoyne, before Rhys Palmer juggled a mark and got one back for the Giants. Rhys Palmer was sporting what Chan-Tha described as a European headband, a thin spaghetti strap around his head, except, as she pointed out, he wore it in such a way that it actually trapped the hair in his eyes.

The highlight of the quarter came from Mitchell of course, running on to a Gunston pass in the pocket, he looked for options inboard, but finding none, shrugged his shoulders and bent it through himself.

Buddy snagged a couple in the second quarter, the second of which was a strong snap after taking the handball from Burgoyne and bursting though the pack to goal.

But the Giants played quite well in the second quarter and even though the Hawks were still in the ascendant, with Gunston kicking a couple and Rough adding his third, the Giants evened things up in the third and were even on top for parts of the quarter. Over the middle period of the match, the Hawks kicked 9.9 to the Giants 6.1, so while we were not exactly threatened, it wasn’t the goal binge we were hoping for. In fact for parts of the third quarter I felt like I was going cold turkey. Happily a duffed clearance from GWS landed with The Rough about 25 out and just on the siren Hale got on the end of one to restore a healthy buffer.

The Hawks extended this in the final quarter with 5 goals to 1 – including Lewis intercepting a kick-in and Sewell fending off a couple of players to break their tackle and put one through. Even The Poo steered one through; he'd come on for Osborne in the third - the Hawthorn brains trust evidently ignoring the advice of the commentary team, taking off Osborne who hadn't exactly given the stats person RSI, and leaving Mitchell out there to rack up Brownlow votes, unless of course the runner just got the blonde hair confused and took off Osborne by mistake.

The Rough polished the win by added his fifth after the siren. Not necessarily the most exciting post-siren goal of the weekend – perhaps Nick Natanui’s match winner against North has the edge there – but still, it was ours, so that gives it a certain cachet. And as it happens, the Fox Footy boundary rider was Ben Dixon; kicker of one of our most famous post-siren goals against Carlton in 2001.

In the end an 83 point victory gave us a nice, soothing high that allowed us to drift gently into the evening. When Collingwood defeated Geelong later that night we could lay back and luxuriate in top spot on the ladder.


Hawthorn  21  14  140  d  Greater Western Sydney 9  3  57


What we learned: Jonathan Simpkin played well in his first full game for the Hawks, as did Matt Spangher, who would do well to either cut his hair to fit the neat Hawthorn look, or turn his patchy scrub of a beard into designer stubble and add a touch of product. He could then go for the Italian soccer star or pimp look.


What we already knew:  The Hawthorn Amber Ale, a rich dark ale just perfect for cold winter days watching The Hawks.




What we'll never understand: How The Age 'Footballer of the Year' voting works. This week, for example, Sam Mitchell, Gunston and Lewis were each awarded 7 votes, with Simpkin and The Rough receiving 6 votes each. Is that out of 10? Do other players receive votes or just the top five who are published? In the Hawthorn game, a total of 33 votes were awarded, yet in the Adelaide St.Kilda game, 36 were awarded and in the North Eagles game, just 31. What does that signify?

Don't get me wrong, Sammy is leading with 44 votes, 5 ahead of Ablett, so all is as it should be, but it still seems quite arbitrary.

Tuesday 14 May 2013

Round 7 - Hawthorn v Sydney Swans


MCG, Saturday 11 May 2013


“Borne back ceaselessly into the past”

F. Scoot Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby


Keep a lid on it fellas
For the next few years at least, all Hawthorn v Sydney matches will be imbued with the events of Grand Final day 2012, each meeting of the two teams will carry an echo of what transpired on that day. Particularly this, the first one.  If the Swans defeat us, we acknowledge that we’ve been beaten by a superior team and even take some solace in the fact that last year’s Grand Final result was perhaps a just one. If we defeat the Swans, however, the victory is laced with a melancholic note of the victory we couldn’t achieve – we catch an agonising peek at the paradise in which we might have lolled.  Within our small triumph we glimpse our greater failure, and our celebrations will be somewhat tempered as a result.

The match was marketed as the Grand Final rematch, but it’s only a rematch for the vanquished; only they have anything to prove.  As Howard Jacobsen writes in Zoo Time, “Success is arbitrary and wayward; only failure is the real measure of things.”

Unlike Grand Final week, this time there was no forensic scrutiny of ins and outs or individual player fitness, no parading of past champions or misty-eyed predictions carrying emotional resonance. In fact the game nearly passed by unnoticed, given the hysteria surrounding the previous night’s game between undefeated teams Geelong and Essendon. In successive nights, footy fans could watch the two best teams of 2013, and the two best teams of 2012.

What talk there was focused as much on Buddy’s travails rather than any other aspect of the clash. The real problem with the pre-match build-up was not the constant references to Buddy being held goalless for two consecutive weeks for the first time since 2005, a stat everyone learned and then felt the need to trot out, but that we had to endure an entire week of seeing slo-mo footage of Malceski kicking that fucking goal.

Recovering from major surgery on the eve of the season, my Hawk buddy Chan-Tha was lying in her hospital bed when the TV fixed to her line of vision began showing a replay of the 2012 Grand Final. With one hand she began to frantically ring the nurse’s alarm, while with the other she no less frantically began to self-administer dosages of morphine from her dispenser. A panicked nurse appeared imagining some desperate post-operative emergency, only to be confronted by a groggy Chan-Tha asking for the channel to be changed. “Don’t you like football?” the nurse enquired. “Yes, but I support Hawthorn. I don’t want to watch this.”

The poor girl; her health was precarious enough without subjecting her to that horror.

Who’s that Mofo? 


"Hey ump, check out the weird outfits these two are wearing"
- photo: themercury.com.au
There was talk pre-season that the AFL might use a Hawthorn Sydney clash as part of a showcase to stamp out anti-homophobic attitudes and celebrate inclusivity across sport and society.

It’s easy to see why the Swans might be used as a vehicle for such a game – given the large gay population in Sydney. It’s less clear, however, why Hawthorn would be involved, unless it’s our clash strip, which wouldn’t look out of place on a Mardi-Gras float.

I’m not sure if that idea is still afloat, but there was a hint of it pre-game. Instead of the usual footy fan in stonewash denim, trainers and ill-fitting track top, the coin toss was conducted by one of the most exotic creatures to set foot on the MCG since Madonna played there in the mid 90s wearing her cone bra.

Draped in a patterned cloak, she wore a crimson head dress with strings of beads dangling like a cork hat. It had perhaps once been used as a lamp shade in a brothel. Surely, I thought, this is a drag diva dressed as Gloria Swanson from Sunset Boulevard, here to encourage harmony between people of different sexual orientation. It turns out the coin tosser was dressed this way as part a promotion for Dark MOFO – a music and arts festival being held at Hobart's MONA Gallery in June.

Using a football match as a marketing vehicle for a contemporary arts festival is perhaps even more baffling than using it as a vehicle to stamp out homophobia. I suspect even the most homophobic in the crowd would find the idea of sexual relations between two grunting, lubed-up footballers or scratching, biting women to be less confronting than some of the music and art they might experience at Dark MOFO.

The Hawks' Mardi-Gras costume

Note: Friday 17 May is IDAHO Day - the International Day Against Homophobia. Hodgey is on board to deliver the message of acceptance and goodwill on behalf of Hawthorn. Nice one Luke.

May 17 is selected because on that day in 1990 the World Health Organisation removed homosexuality from the classification of diseases. And as it happens, it's also bang in the middle of Eurovision!

Buddy’s back


There was an even stranger presence than Dark MOFO in the centre square moments later when The Poo lined up there for the first bounce. You had to wonder how seriously we were taking the match if The Poo was in the middle for the first bounce instead of, say, Hodge, Sewell or Burgoyne – just to name a few of the elite midfielders Clarko could have called on.

Had Clarko assigned Brian Lake to tandem with The Poo at the bounce, we might have boasted a midfield of equal potency to the recently announced political alliance of Clive Palmer and Peter Slipper. Talk about a political dream team.

The pre-match babble about Buddy was quickly quietened when our man slotted his first goal just a few minutes in – and what a goal! Taking a mark on the flank outside 50 he turned boundary side to get past Richards and on the run on his left side threaded a trademark Buddy special. After Gunston snapped a nice round-the-corner goal, Buddy then got front and centre to grab the ball from a Bailey spoil and slotted his second in 5 minutes. Bailey and Breust added two more and we had a handsome 5 goals to 1 first quarter.

Golden Rough


The blitz continued in the second, led by The Big Rough who bagged three beauties. The first from a towering grab, the second after Lewis attacked and dispossessed Goodes; then as he fell backwards kicking the ball over his head where Rough plucked it and banged home a big one. The third came after a pass from The Poo which the umpire deemed not to have travelled 15 metres, so Rough simply wheeled around and sent another one through. Rough was also responsible for one of Gunston’s goals, pushing through a pack and getting a long handball to Gunston who had enough space to steady and steer home his second.

Buddy kicked another classic after fending off two defenders and slamming it round his body for his third.

But perhaps the best goal of the quarter came from Burgoyne, taking it straight from the bounce he ran eight, possibly nine steps and rammed it home! What a goal!...What?...You can’t be serious!  ‘Too far’ the umpire signalled in a trademark example of a delusional umpire who thinks 57,000 people turned up to watch him officiate the match, not watch the champions play it.

All hail, ah, Hale


A seven goal half-time lead was surely going to be sufficient, and that seemed to be how the players approached it. The third quarter was uneventful, or perhaps it just seemed that way given that I was nursing a pint in the Bullring Bar. Basically it took so long to get served that by the time I was taking my first sip the boys were back out there.

We did spot Mark Williams in the bullring, the Hawthorn premiership hero that is, not Choco.

I almost feel sorry for Ben McGlynn...almost.
On the screen I saw McGlynn start to get into the match. I almost feel sorry for Ben McGlynn. And I would had he left Hawthorn for any other team. I always liked him at the Hawks. He was injured throughout 08 when he was at Hawthorn, missing out on playing in our premiership, and then having established himself as an important player for Sydney, he was injured in last year’s finals and missed out on their premiership. As I said, I almost feel sorry for him.

There was a memorable passage of play from the Poo in the third quarter; using strength to wrestle the ball out of the centre to win a clearance, he then completely duffed the kick. He followed up to make amends, again stole the ball, and then again duffed the kick. Two superb acts and two clangers, all in the space of 30 seconds – that’s The Poo. As my friend Pete observed, ‘the problem with The Poo is that he thinks he’s a good player.’

Hawthorn forwards were taking it in turns to dominate: Buddy in the first, Rough and Gunston in the second, it was Hale’s turn in the third as he kicked a couple of important goals in quick succession to ensure that we maintained our advantage.

What we can learn from Japanese porn 


Clearer than a goal review
- 'Emo Anime Love Kiss'
freeanimemangaonline.blogspot.com
Hale also got the first of the final quarter, but despite this, Sydney continued to close on us. So Lewis’ excellent snap to restore our superiority was most welcome. Here again though the umpires sought to wrest attention away from the players and onto themselves. After the goal umpire awarded a goal, a boundary umpire who’d been in another postcode decided he needed to influence the result and protested that the ball might have been touched.  So up it went for review, where naturally, the footage proved inconclusive for the simple reason that blurred footage will always be inconclusive. It’s the same in cricket when they try to use video to determine if a ball was caught cleanly – it can never capture it. But instead of then taking the goal umpire’s initial call; he had after all, signalled a goal instantly and was in the perfect position; the field umpire took the word of the boundary umpire. The ensuing and quite resounding ‘Bullshit’ chant is something Hawthorn supporters can be very proud of.

There must be something wrong with the cameras or the quality of the production at Australian sporting grounds. You can never pinpoint the precise moment the ball is touched or whether it grazes the post, yet in almost any half-decent Japanese porn movie you can pause it at any moment and see with absolute clarity which finger tip is grazing against which erogenous zone and whose incisor left bite marks on what thigh. If only the AFL could call on the resources and production standards of the pornography industry to fix the goal review system.

Last week an overly zealous umpire helped the Hawks get over the line when he paid a free kick against Scott Thompson for a push out in a marking contest. From the resulting free kick and 50 metre penalty to David Hale, Hawthorn stormed forward and kicked a goal to regain the lead. This week overly zealous umpiring stripped Hawthorn of two goals – both of them sensational – turning a handsome 8 goal thumping of the Swans to a slightly less emphatic 6 goal victory.

Orgiastic future


After his initial flourish, Buddy had been rather subdued. His only shot at goal in the second half was an inexplicable miss from about two metres – after which Sydney went forward and scored, reducing the margin to 25 points. Happily Osborne and Burgoyne added two more to restore a decent margin and calm any emerging anxiety.

This was a great performance by the Hawks: Hodge, Roughead and Gibson were best afield, but every player contributed, touching our erogenous zones one way or another.

If Hawthorn v Sydney matches must be viewed through the prism of the 2012 Grand Final, we can at least take some satisfaction in reversing that result in the present.

On the eve of Baz Luhrmann’s film version of The Great Gatsby opening in Australia, I’m reminded of Nick Carraway’s observations at the very end of the novel; referring to Gatsby’s belief in “the orgiastic future”  he says “It eluded us then, but that’s no matter –tomorrow we will run faster stretch out our arms farther….And one fine morning –“  

He could be referring to Hawthorn as much as Gatsby, and just as in the novel, Hawthorn premiership parties will be  every bit as “gleaming” and “dazzling” as Gatsby’s famed soirees when we win this year’s flag. Did someone say “orgiastic future”? Bring on September!


Final scores: Hawthorn 18 11 119  d  Sydney Swans 12 10 82


What we learned: There was a person called Darrin Baxter who once played for Hawthorn. The scarf minding the seat in front of me was festooned with a number of classic Hawthorn heritage pins – including player badges for relatively obscure Hawthorn alumni in Justin Crawford and Paul Cooper. I remember Justin Crawford playing and vaguely recall the name Paul Cooper, but I can honestly say I have no memory of Darrin Baxter.  He must have had even less impact than Michael Zemski.


What we already knew: In a post-match interview, Roughead referred to his level of fitness as akin to an ‘asthmatic turtle’.


Elsewhere: it was a surprise later that night when Wigan defeated Manchester City to win the FA Cup, but an even bigger surprise was that it took nearly a whole minute into the preamble for Les Murray to use the phrase ‘David and Goliath battle’ when referring to the respective teams.


Friday 10 May 2013

Between Rounds - Essendon - caught in possession



"The pills won’t help you now"

- The pills won't help you now, The Chemical Brothers 


The scourge of the modern game;
almost as bad as Tom Waterhouse
- photo: wired.com
There’s a weird internal dichotomy at play when I lay down to sleep at night. Two opposing forces are battling for control of my mind. On the one hand, Buddy’s future is keeping me awake at nights, but countering this is another issue lulling me gently with the sleep of the just - Essendon’s drug scandal. As far as karma goes, or comeuppance, you can’t beat a scandal that rocks a rival and threatens to rid us of Essendon for good.

Since the story broke, everyone has had their say and with each new milestone, more voices join the chorus. In Tuesday’s Age alone there were eight separate articles about the crisis at Essendon, and that doesn’t include the Herald-Sun, The Australian and the 15 to 20 footy shows on TV that rake over the same old ground.

And just to round it off, in Wednesday’s Herald-Sun Jeff Kennett had his say. Who would have thought he’d have a viewpoint?

Despite this, the definitive view has yet to be expressed so it’s time this story was told the way it should be – that is, from the Hawthorn perspective.

Listen to any Essendon supporter talk about this topic (if you can’t avoid it that is) and they’d have you believe that Caroline Wilson is the chief culprit in the drug scandal enveloping their club. ‘She’s got it in for Hirdy’ they’ll tell you. ‘It’s a witch hunt’ they assert. Then they say other things about her that I won’t repeat, but many of which rhyme with ‘witch’ and ‘hunt’.

It’s true, they could also pick on Patrick Smith, who is equally condemning of the culture at Essendon, but no one reads The Australian so he escapes such censorious name calling.

At some point when listening to these diatribes I like to point out that Caroline Wilson didn’t inject anyone with pig’s blood or goat’s placenta, force anyone to snort smegma or put anyone on a drip of rattlesnake semen. She merely reported on events. To blame her for Essendon’s program of pharmacological experimentation is akin to a Republican blaming Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein for exposing Nixon’s duplicities, rather than, say, blaming Nixon.

To restate it, Caroline Wilson didn’t inject anyone or introduce a program of systematic cheating using the bodies of young men as experimental lab rats to rort the competition.  Obviously I’m not asserting that anyone else did either, and while I may seem to be strongly hinting at it, in my defence your honour, I submit that being a Hawthorn fan, I have a role to live up to, am obliged by the forces of history, by the very genetic instructions encrypted into my DNA, to peg Essendon of guilty of all allegations levelled against them, as well as others we don’t know of yet, crimes unresolved, some not yet even committed.

Some fence-sitting, wuss-bag commentators – usually ex-players or known Essendon fans – are saying that we need to wait for the investigation to be completed and for the facts to emerge before we come to conclusions, judge and condemn.  Where’s the fun in that? Besides, this uncharacteristic measured response from footy commentators is at odds with the normal hair-trigger reactions they exhibit over other moral issues that filter into the footy world, such as Ben Cousins’ tribulations.

We don’t need to wait for pathology results or compare interview accounts to work out what took place. This is a club, after all, which has already been found guilty of salary cap rorting in the 90s when, incidentally, Hird and Thompson were both playing.

Hird himself has been accused of taking anti-ageing supplements. Well, we don’t need forensic toxicology analysis of hair samples or white cell counts in blood tests to gauge this; you only have to look at the bloke - he still looks like he’s 25.


“Ziggy played for time, jiving us that we were voodoo”

- Ziggy Stardust, David Bowie

Ziggy hands down his report
- photo: musiclipse.com
One of the aspects of this story I find entertaining is to read football journalists wrestling with new concepts and contexts. Just as the Wayne Carey/Kelly Stephens scandal gave the washing machine unlikely prominence in the football lexicon, journalists are now peppering their articles with ‘peptides’ instead of ‘possessions’, ‘calf colostrum’ instead of ‘calf complaints’ and ‘Switkowski’ instead of Sierakowski’.

Much was anticipated of Ziggy Switkowski’s report on the internal governance and medical practices at Essendon during 2012. Why, I can’t imagine. Two of the most pivotal players in the saga, Dean ‘The Weapon’ Robinson and Stephen ‘The Pharmacist’ Dank, weren’t even interviewed for the report. It’s difficult, therefore, to see what concrete findings it could possibly reach. It’s like trying to measure global warming without checking the temperature.

It’s also difficult to understand how a character can swan into a club calling himself ‘The Pharmacist’ without someone raising an eyebrow, if not an actual objection.  Add in a bloke known as ‘Dr Ageless’ and you’ve got a coven of baddies who wouldn’t be out of place in the next Batman movie.

And just how independent was the Switkowski report? When you consider Bowie’s immortal lines, “Making love with his ego, Ziggy sucked up into his mind” you have to question whether Ziggy himself wasn’t participating in the Dr Frankensteinesque practices of Windy Hill.


"Now the drugs don’t work
They just make you worse" 

- The drugs don't work, The Verve

Despite this issue surfacing in February, here we are in May and ASADA still hasn’t interviewed any of the players. I mean I know they’ve been busy with Cronulla, but this all started 10 weeks ago.  Meanwhile Essendon is winning games of football.

While I’m keen for the investigation to interrupt Essendon’s season, on the other hand, the more games Essendon win, the more we can all enjoy it when half team is suspended and their points are wiped.
Which leads us to the serious issue of what, if any, sanctions Essendon should face? You’ll recall that Ben Cousins was banned for 12 months for bringing the game into disrepute, even though he never failed a drug test. Nor was he ever even alleged to have taken performance enhancing substances; just good-time recreational drugs. So given this precedent, you have to assume severe penalties will be meted out: the coaching panel banned, players suspended, all their points wiped, perhaps banished to the EDFL, premierships stripped from them, and all coaching staff, players and officials sent to Naru.

As for individuals, Jobe Watson’s 2012 Brownlow should be ripped from his neck and awarded to Sam Mitchell and Trent Cotchin, who finished equal second. Perhaps there could be a ceremony where Jobe presents both Sam and Trent with the 2012 Brownlow? His dad, Tim, could bring it to us live on Channel 7.


"I've seen the needle and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone."

- The Needle and the Damage Done, Neil Young

Much is being made of Dr Bruce Reid’s opposition to the controversial supplements regime and the missing letter detailing his concerns. This issue is perhaps easier to understand when you consider Dr Reid’s age; firstly, would anyone at Essendon have known what a letter was? He should have tweeted his concerns. Or ‘face-timed’ them. Someone might have taken notice then.

Also, is his view as impartial as everyone seems to think? After all, he’s been know to proscribe some fairly exotic cures in his time. Remember, when he started out as club doctor at Essendon in the eighteenth or nineteenth century, he was still using leeches to suppress fevers and purify blood. Reid’s leeches, Danks’ cow’s placenta – what’s the difference?

After denying that there’s any evidence their club has done anything wrong – and we particularly love James Hird’s comment that no one from Essendon has ever tested positive for a banned substance; hmm where might we have heard that defence before?  – the next point Essendon fans make is to question how many other clubs are doing it. As if that makes it ok. That’s akin to the conservative view on climate change; that Australia doesn’t need to take action because China isn’t. Two or more wrongs make a right, or at least make it alright to look the other way.

The question Essendon fans should in fact be asking is why the club persisted on a pathway that put their own beloved players at risk, and to which any resulting success would be devoid of honour. Or don’t they care about honour?


Monday 6 May 2013

Round 6 - Adelaide v Hawthorn


AAMI Stadium, Saturday 4 May 2013



AAMI Stadium - High premiums, low payouts


The soon to be 'Abandoned Home of football', AAMI Stadium
- photo: aamistadium.om.au

With Adelaide and Port Adelaide set to relocate their home games from AAMI Stadium to the Adelaide Oval from next season, this could be one of Hawthorn’s final visits to a venue where we’ve rarely enjoyed success – with perhaps our Round 16 game against Port being the last. I’ve never been there, but I still won’t miss it and I’m sure I speak for everyone at Hawthorn when I say that the move can’t come soon enough.

It’s well documented that we’ve never played well here, from our inauspicious debut in Round 1, 1991, when the newly minted Crows team whipped us by 89 points, through numerous other humiliations over the past 22 years.

To be specific, the Hawks have lost on 19 occasions at AAMI stadium and won just 8 times prior to Saturday’s match. There was a famous semi final win against Port in 2001, a narrow win over the Crows in our premiership year of 2008, consecutive wins over Port in 2011 and 2012, when the Power were barely competitive, and, well, only a handful of others.

It’s hard to account for our problems in Adelaide – is it the ubiquitous churches distracting our boys with the call to religious devotion, the award winning wineries leading wine-buff Hawks to think about laying down reds rather than laying tackles, is it the cultural distractions of a famous university town and arts-loving community? Or is it just that the ground’s use has coincided with our least successful period since the 60s?

Either way, with the disasters we’ve encountered at AAMI Stadium, the cost of our Travel insurance premiums for these trips is prohibitively high.

Even so, hopes were also reasonably high for the chance of victory this year with the Hawks going well and the Crows having started slowly. It is also the 20th anniversary of a famous Hawks win in Round 6, 1993. On that occasion Dunstall bagged nine, and while we couldn’t look to target him one out in the goal square this week, we had Buddy, and surely he couldn’t go goalless again…could he?

Of course no Hawthorn fan is confident when our boys step onto the AAMI stadium turf and working against us this week were some compelling forces: the match was being played at AAMI stadium for one, it was commencing at the spooky and cursed time of twilight, we were turned out in our clash strip, Cyril was injured, our three goal hero from the previous week, Max Bailey, was a late withdrawal, and as it turned out, we were also virtually without Buddy who again didn’t kick a goal.

All bad portents, so our eventual triumph, although narrow, was all the more heroic for it.


Hawthorn 2008 – the perfect vintage


Cheers to 08
 - photo winesellersdirect.com.au
We were back at Chan-Tha’s place to view the match on Fox Footy. I upgraded my membership from bean bag to couch, so I had a clear view of the action, plus table service when Chan-Tha brought out her mum’s famous spring rolls. It was like being in the member’s.

Being Adelaide, we thought about picking up a bottle of the newly released Penfolds Grange 2008.  As a wine bottled in a Hawthorn premiership year, it reveals rich, nuanced flavours and boasts a complex nose, which roughly translates as the smell of success. The 2008 vintage is considered the perfect wine, which comes as no surprise to Hawks fans, as lots of things went right that year, but as it’s priced at around $700 a bottle, we plumped instead for Little Creatures Bright Ale at around $7 a bottle.  Not as complex, true, but also not as costly. And a step above West End Bitter.

Fox Footy likes to have a legion of commentators and expert analysts in the box and ringing the boundary. Like a footy team packing the backline, Fox Footy crowds the box with a veritable throng that on this occasion included Eddie Maguire, Anthony Hudson, Dermott Brereton, Mark Ricciuto, David King and possibly one or two others.  Perhaps like the ABC’s political coverage, Fox Footy’s charter obliges them to give equal time to each side; hence, Dermie was there to provide an informed Hawthorn perspective to offset Ricciuto’s blatant Crows bias.

Alongside the great Dermie, however, was Eddie Maguire. I haven’t heard Eddie call a game since Channel 9 had the television rights, so it struck afresh just how irritating he can be. Overexcited over the incidental, he sees a melee in every jumper tug and a momentum shift with every goal. I could question the ethics of having a serving club president calling games, remembering that when the match review committee sits down to view an incident, the voice they hear is that of the Collingwood president trying to heighten the drama of every scuffle and accidental collision. Or I could draw a connecting line between Eddie’s regular pronouncements on how the AFL compromises the integrity of the competition through salary cap inequality and the lack of goal line technology, yet sees no apparent conflict of interest in the president of one club being the official broadcast voice of a game involving opposition teams. Or worse, his own. But I won’t, because really, it’s not so much that, more that he’s just irritating to listen to.

The perfect scenario would be to have ‘Press red for Ed’ every week so that you could watch Fox Footy safe in the knowledge that he was marooned on another frequency.

Jordan Lewis - Ironman 3


Ironman 3
Call me naïve, but I went to see Iroman 3 during the week, assuming it was about Jordan Lewis, Hawthorn’s own steel armoured number 3. Obviously I was disappointed to discover my mistake, yet there are echoes of the movie in the way the match unfolded.

The narrative arc of super hero movies follows a fairly standard template. Early on you establish the identity of the heroes and the baddies; the hero will be wisecracking his way through an untroubled, uber-cool lifestyle, probably with water views and a beautiful companion, while the bad guy will be unassuming, perhaps grossly and distinctively deformed in some way, but industriously going about his evil ways.

In setting the scene you should show an environment in which life is unruffled and everything runs smoothly. Then you shatter that tranquillity with a violent and disruptive criminal act by the baddies. A battle ensues. The baddies establish an ascendency and land a seemingly killer blow, leaving no realistic chance of escape or redemption for the hero, who has quite likely been severely debilitated or sustained a critical injury. Then drawing on some special power or resolve, or receiving assistance from an unlikely source, the hero fights back, gains the upper hand, and despite a flicker of a revival for the evildoer, ultimately prevails!

Certainly that’s the template that Ironman 3 followed and it also describes the pattern of the Adelaide Hawthorn match.

The first quarter opened into an idyllic land where the sun shone, daffodils bloomed, children squealed with delight, kittens and fluffy bunnies romped, and Bradley Hill skipped freely down the wing to kick a couple of goals.

Our first goal in fact came from Ironman Lewis, then Hodge squeezed one through after a strong mark and even the Poo got on the end of one. Five goals to one in the opening quarter and the good guys had established their place in happy land.

When Michael Osborne added another in the first minute of the second quarter, the storyline looked like it might develop into the Disney version of a fairy tale. But then the evildoers struck, taking over the narrative and terrorising our happy land by controlling general play and kicking four unanswered goals. Our debilitated and struggling heroes were out of energy and ideas, and barely hanging on by two points at half time.  

An even third quarter saw the Hawks regain some of their powers with two goals to Gunston and one to Smith, but then Adelaide laid us low with two late goals to Jacobs and Douglas, leaving the Hawks gasping for life with a 5 point three quarter time lead.  By this stage Dangerfield was completely dominating the midfield and tearing the Hawks apart – just as he had done in last year’s Preliminary final.

When Scott Thompson goaled three minutes into the final term to put the Crows in front, it looked like curtains for our heroic Hawks with the hometown crowd baying for the Crows to finish them off. But then we received help from an unlikely source. As Thompson marked within range, the umpire paid a free kick against him for a push on Hale. It was more of a brush really, or a caress, but it is umpire appreciation week and we certainly appreciated this thoughtful gesture. From the ensuing 50 metre penalty for abuse - don't you love the way a bad decision is compounded - Hale got it forward and the Rough soccered through a goal to re-establish our lead.

And as is the way with such stories, the heroes mustered one last herculean effort with Hodge, Mitchell, Burgoyne, Roughead, Sewell and Gibson coming to the rescue, and Breeuuust went on to deliver the killer blows by bursting through packs to bang home two decisive goals in a minute - a brace from Breust. This was followed by Rough creating an interception and getting it forward where Gunston marked strongly and goaled.

Sure there was the usual last gasp flicker from the baddy as Scott Thompson and Kerridge added late goals, but this was like a wounded henchman regaining consciousness just sufficiently to grab his gun and fire off some random shots. These amounted to nothing but a flesh wound and the good guys prevailed, the stirring theme music swelled in the theatre and we all went home happy that justice had prevailed.

And as in a traditional post-script, the hero got the girl. The day after the match Cyril tweeted the news of his engagement.

Despite our woes at AAMI Stadium, we’ve now won our past three in a row there. Perhaps they shouldn’t move to the Adelaide Oval after all.


Skate Bush (in blue) prepares to burst the pack, Breust style.
- photo derby newsnetwork.com

What we learned: If not for the risk of an ankle injury, Luke Breust should get into roller derby. The first of his final quarter goals came straight from the Skate Bush roller derby playbook: Sewell delivered high to the goal square, Breust flew from behind but couldn’t quite bring down the mark, however he kept control of the ball when it hit the ground, put his head down and burst through a pack of three Crows plus Burgoyne in a style reminiscent of Skate Bush racking up the points in a derby jam, and banged it home.



What we already knew: that the first seven weeks of draw would be tough – so at 5-1 with just Sydney to  go, we are doing ok. Some big wins and some close ones – and not necessarily the ones we might have thought. But 6-1 or 5-2 puts us in a good position.

The free kick against Thompson was the wrong call, but only if you look at it in a narrow football sense. If you look at it  from a Utilitarian perspective, where the consequence of a given action is the only test of whether it is the right thing to do, then the outcome - a Hawthorn victory - completely justifies it.

Besides, everyone is going on about this free kick without any forensic examination of some of the howlers awarded to Adelaide in front of goal. In the first quarter Dangerfield scored after a very dodgy free, Vince got one in the second quarter, and in the final quarter hill was penalised for deliberate out of bounds after being pushed over the boundary line.

Given that it's umpire appreciation week, however, we just have to be big enough to let these go.


Apropos of nothing: I notice the TV guide in today’s Age for Channel 9 at 9.30 tonight lists 'Footy Classified (includes Crimestoppers)' – presumably this refers to the segment on Essendon.


On another point with Footy Classified, it was good to see Garry Lyon highlight his error in Saturday's Age, where, referring to Sam Mitchell, he wrote, "Sam Mitchell won his fourth best and fairest for Hawthorn last year. In the history of this famous club no player has won the award more than him" Well except for Leigh Matthews of course, who won it eight times. But then that is really just winning it four times twice, so perhaps  Garry was correct after all.

Friday 3 May 2013

Between rounds - Try and be nice


"...there are so many other quite valid reasons to hate North Melbourne; it disappoints me that any of our number would resort to race."



Mutual R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
-photo: foxsports.com.au
Caroline Wilson reported in The Age yesterday of an AFL proposal to enlist high profile players to lead a campaign to stamp out abuse of opposition players at football matches. All very admirable and right up there with AFL campaigns to say no to racism, promote gender equality, tackle homophobia and resolve the civil war in Syria. Such is the scope and breadth of their extra-curricular interests and activities; it’s easy to forget that the AFL is actually a sporting organisation rather than a Government agency, left-wing think-tank or guild of ethicists.

Of course announcing such a plan on the morning of the day Collingwood is set to take on a St.Kilda side boasting the re-inclusion of Stephen Milne might be a little misguided.  It’s asking a bit much of Collingwood fans to completely rewire their thinking overnight and give Milney an ovation as he comes off the bench.

As it transpired they didn’t. Footage of Milne lining up a shot from the boundary line in the third quarter as the Saints challenged showed a female Collingwood fan – who looked a bit like Joffa's disgruntled sister – leaning over the fence waving a ‘Go Pies’ placard in his face and mouthing off in his ear. I can’t lip read but I suspect she wasn’t enquiring after the health of his family or asking if he’d read any good books lately. I’d be impressed if Milney had read any books lately, let alone any good ones.


Reasons to hate North Melbourne

Having said that, it was concerning to hear reports of racial abuse at the both the Collingwood v Essendon and Hawthorn v North Melbourne matches on the weekend. While some might argue that it’s no surprise to learn that Collingwood fans were implicated, after all, they’re the original and best at this sort of thing, as the famous Winmar jumper moment at Victoria Park illustrated, it’s perhaps more disturbing to hear that Hawthorn fans were also reported to have racially abused North players.  I mean there are so many other quite valid reasons to hate North Melbourne; it disappoints me that any of our number would resort to race.

Boomer Harvey for one, James Brayshaw, Wayne Carey, the 1975 Grand Final and 1977 Preliminary final (no, I still haven't got over them); more recently the 2007 semi-final. A veritable cornucopia of loathing opportunities. Why would you need to target Majak Daw and Daniel Wells (presumably) - two players who are among the most exciting in the competition to watch. Sure Wells was playing annoyingly well, but that was partly Hawthorn’s fault. Plus, we still won.

It’s no defence that Daw and Wells are perhaps the only recognisable players in North jumpers, given that the rest of the team are all WASPy no-names.  It defies logic though that supporters of a team that relies on Buddy Franklin, Cyril Rioli, Shaun Burgoyne and Bradley Hill could muster a racial taunt without their internal hypocrite gauge causing their brains to explode. Between them, this quartet is probably responsible for over 80 per cent of our scoring opportunities. Even if Andrew Bolt was a Hawthorn supporter he’d be on his feet cheering them.

Caroline Wilson’s article highlights that Brad Sewell “condemned racial abuse on Fox Footy”. Does she mean he condemned it while he was appearing as a guest on Fox Footy, or that he condemned endemic racial abuse taking place on Fox Footy?

Equally puzzling, she goes on to say that, “Xavier Ellis tweeted another message to Hawk fans on Thursday”, which raises interesting questions as to who is following Xavier Ellis on Twitter? And why?

Who is so bereft of news input and commentary that they would need to follow Xavier Ellis, be it on Twitter or anywhere else? Don’t get me wrong, I love the X-man. Perhaps no one loves him more, but as for wanting access to his every thought and philosophical speculation… call me shallow, but I’ll stick to following Jaimee Rogers on Instagram.