Preliminary Final - Hawthorn v Port Adelaide

Saturday 20 September 2014, MCG

Hawthorn Health Warning

A healthy heart - keep away from Hawthorn Prelim Finals

The Heart Foundation and other leading medical bodies all agree that the major risk factors for heart attack or coronary heart disease are:

- Smoking

- High blood pressure

- High blood cholesterol

- Diabetes

- Obesity

- Lack of exercise

- Stress

- Use of stimulant drugs

- Mental health issues

That makes nine, but to round out the top ten I’d add to the list, ‘following the Hawks in a Preliminary Final’.

This is the fourth successive Preliminary Final featuring Hawthorn that has been decided by less than a goal. Plus there were two previous ones in 1974 (lost to North by 5 points) and 1987 (defeated Melbourne by 2 points). And while the Hawks have emerged as winners in the past three of these games, the fans have acquired one or more of the above risk factors along the way. Even non-smoking, svelte, physically active, healthy people with a sound diet who manage to watch the games with calm equanimity have by now been driven using illicit stimulants of one sort or another, so there’s no escaping the dangers.

It is these Preliminary Finals that explain why health care fund Bupa is one of Hawthorn’s major sponsors – they recognise Hawks fans as their main customer demographic.

Scotland No, Hawthorn Yes

How did it come about this time? Most football pundits predicted that this would be a close game; that of the two Preliminary finals, this was the one in which it was hardest to pick a winner. Only the Scottish independence vote was tipped to be closer. And just as the ‘No’ vote in Scotland took a comfortable lead once the excitement died down and everyone saw reason rather than romance, the Hawks took a 29 point lead half way through the final quarter to prove their class and quell the excitable stirrings of the romantics who wanted fifth placed Port to prevail.

From this stage we should have enjoyed a reasonably relaxing run in to the big one. A five goal lead should have afforded us some calming, even life affirming moments, the chance to look forward with cheerful optimism to the Grand Final and perhaps eternal happiness, but instead we watched on in tense horror as Port stormed home, frantically texting people who could tell how much time was left…and it was always too much.  We wanted finality, Grand Finality, but the siren seemed an eternity away, an eternity filled with Angus Monfries, of all people, kicking goals.

When I watched the match back some 48 hours later (I couldn’t bring myself to face it any earlier), I still got tense even though I knew the outcome.

The lead up to the vote for Scottish independence may have been 500 years or so in the making, but it was mere blip compared to what Hawks fans had to endure waiting for the siren to sound as we clung to our slender lead. At least in the end we got a ‘Yes’ vote.

The future's so bright I gotta wear shades:
Oscar celebrates our advance to the Granny

The Hawthorn Life Cycle

The human life cycle is notable for the utter helplessness of the human being in its early years and then again in its dotage. In our first few years we are a feeble, mewling bundle writhing about in our own muck, unable to perform even the most perfunctory of tasks. We have to be fed, cleaned and put to bed. Then we flourish for a time, stand tall and become independent, perform noble deeds and achieve great feats, only to again hunch back into ourselves and revert to the same pathetic and mewling state of helplessness.

In this sense, Hawthorn’s performance in the Preliminary Final mirrored the human life cycle. In the first and final quarters we were helpless against Port’s irresistible force and incessant run; we couldn’t do anything for ourselves and if not for the umpires intervening to help us out, we might never have got going nor been able to hold on at the end.

For the first five minutes of the match we barely touched the ball, and the quarter was a blur of Port making space and setting up scoring opportunities. If not for the fact that Port sprayed shots like an unattended hose, and a brief period of calm when Rough and Langford marked and kicked set shots, the game might have been over at quarter time. We were fortunate with a 12-point deficit.

Even in the second quarter, it was only the umpires intervening that helped get us going. First Gunston was awarded a free kick in front of goal when the play had been somewhere on the wing. Then Duryea received a 50-metre penalty when the ball was knocked out of his hands after he’d taken a mark. Both decisions were technically correct, but both could very easily not have been paid.

As if the umpires had awoken us to the task at hand, our third goal for the quarter was a classic. Shiels, Lewis, Roughead, Suckling and Hill featured in a series of slick handballs before Hill kicked to Hale, who marked, turned and handballed back to Suckling who had continued running on and kicked a lovely goal from 40 metres out.

Two more goals to Roughead and one to Smith gave us an 11-point half-time lead and half-time drinks in the Tower 6 bar were convivial and relaxed.

Jordan Lewis was injured in the first minute of the third quarter, so hardly ideal, but after Breust set up a Hodge goal, Lewis was back in the middle feeding out a handball to Rough who ran on and banged through a beauty from 50 to give us a 4 goal lead We maintained this lead for to the end of the quarter after Rough soccered through his sixth for the match right on the siren.

It wasn’t a match winning lead, but by the time Smith and Gunston goaled to extend our lead to five goals half way through the quarter, we were watching on with a mounting sense of excitement at the prospect of another grand final the following week.

I can’t bring myself to describe the rush of Port Adelaide goals that ensued, suffice to say that two match saving acts; one form Luke Hodge to smother a Brett Ebert kick, and another from Brian Lake to intercept a … kick when there was less than 30 seconds to go have gotten us into the Grand Final.

For the second year in a row I haven’t heard the siren to end the Preliminary Final, but I can’t wait for the one to start the grand final next week against Sydney.

Go Hawks!

Final scores: Hawthorn 15 7 97 d Port Adelaide 13 16 94

Attendance: 74, 856

Notable Hawks: Jarryd Roughead, Luke Hodge, Will Langford, Liam Shiels, Jordan Lewis, Brad Hill, Sam Mitchell, Taylor Duryea, Shaun Burgoyne, Josh Gibson

What we learned: No one thought Matt Priddis from West Coast would win the Brownlow medal – not even Channel 7 who didn’t have a highlights package ready to go.  An hour later they still hadn’t put one together. Perhaps there aren’t any Priddis highlights.

Nor it seems did people believe it even as it was happening. After round 20 with Priddis on 24 votes and Gary Ablett on 22 votes, a Viewers poll predicting the winner still had Ablett as favourite, even though, as was widely known to anyone watching the count, he didn’t play any further games and was therefore unable to overtake Priddis.

Even with one round to go, Travis Boak received 60% of the Viewers poll as the likely winner, significantly higher than Priddis, even though Boak could not actually beat Priddis at this stage, a tie being the best he could hope for.

Priddis’ humility upon winning has been roundly praised, but perhaps it is humility borne of he realisation that until the day Sam Mitchell or Luke Hodge win the medal, then no one else can be considered a worthy winner.

What we already knew: Football and fashion don’t mix, aside from the ever-stylish brown and gold vertical stripes that is. Why does anyone think that an ex-footballer, even one as dashing and handsome as former Western Bulldog, Daniel Giansiracusa, or Gia as we know him, can be in any way interesting or illuminating telling the WAGs how stunning they look and asking them who they’re dressed by. As if names like Alannah Hill, Juli Grbac or Jacob Luppino will mean anything to the interviewer, let alone the vast majority of viewers.

The real fashion statement at the Brownlow was from winner, Matt Priddis, who might single-handedly bring back the 80s spiral perm. 

The spiral perm returns

What we wonder: How does Geoffrey Edelston and whoever his current squeeze is score an invitation to the Brownlow medal?  Every year! Former winners are invited and that is fair enough, it’s the only place we get to see Johnny Platten these days, but does this also extend to former club presidents – even disgraced ones? 

What we fear: Australia’s terrorist threat has been increased to high and there’s talk of an imminent terrorist attack, but in truth I’m much more fearful of Sydney’s midfield than I am of ISIL. 

Qualifying Final - Hawthorn v Geelong

MCG, Friday 5 September 2014

Mission Accomplished?

Chris Scott's Round 22 press conference

On 1 May 2003 George W Bush stood aboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln with military personnel arrayed around him and a large ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner behind him, and announced the end of major combat operations in Iraq. Of course this was simply a precursor to the escalated insurgency and increased guerrilla activity in a war that raged on for another 10 years or so, with after effects that continue to reverberate today.

When Hawthorn defeated Geelong in Round 22, coming from a 33 point deficit at half time to kick 10 unanswered goals and roll over the Cats by 22 points, Geelong coach Chris Scott sat smirking in the post-match press conference and announced that it was ‘mission accomplished’ for Geelong and ‘a step forward in our preparation’.  It’s hard to know whether he was just being smug and arrogant, attempting to psych out Hawthorn ahead of our Qualifying Final clash, or whether he was having a bit of a George W Bush moment and was completely misled and deluded.  Probably all of the above.

While it was refreshing to hear a coach react in a reasonably positive light after a loss, it was strange that a team which had so meekly given up its advantage was being so lauded, as if a 10 goal turnaround was part of some tactical master plan and that Hawthorn had unwittingly fallen into their dastardly trap.

  

The sequel

Here we were then, just two weeks later, to witness the sequel. In movies, the sequel is never as good as the original, with the possible exception of Toy Story II, so I was a little nervous about the outcome this time around. Particularly as Geelong were able to recall Steve Johnson to their dramatis personae after he missed the previous game due to injury. The Hawks meanwhile were bringing back rested players Luke Hodge, Ben Stratton and Brad Hill.

The MCC Members section where I was seated was packed as you’d expect for another big match between Hawthorn and Geelong, but strangely there were large vacant sections on Level 4 at both ends of the ground. Did the footy public have a dose of Hawthorn-Geelongfatigue? Or was it more a case that with all the media attention focused on Richmond’s run to the finals, including interviews with pretty anyone who has ever played or barracked for the Tiges, as well as footage of buses and planes setting off for Adelaide with passengers singing ‘We’re from Tigerland…’, that the footy public simply weren’t aware that Hawthorn and Geelong were even in the finals? Or had forgotten. Perhaps people just preferred to stay at home and look up Jennifer Lawrence’s nude selfies online. Having just portrayed Mystique in X-Men, there was very little mystique about her anymore. Although she is less blue than I imagined.  

Jennifer Lawrence nude selfie - she looks like a Cats fan with body paint

 My apprehension about the game seemed well-founded as it got underway and Geelong controlled the ball early with Joel Selwood and Jimmy Bartel kicking the only two goals in the first 15 minutes. On the other hand, this is more or less how the previous game began, so perhaps this match was indeed following the Hollywood sequel model of simply repeating the same plotline with a few variations. Once Roughead took the ball from a stoppage and banged through our first goal, things began to look up. By the time Lewis and the Poo added further goals, we were in front at quarter time and looking handsome.

The second quarter followed more or less the same pattern as the first, with Geelong dominating early and then Hawthorn hitting back. Joel Selwood seemed unstoppable; Bartel took a screamer and converted, and then Hawkins goaled. By this stage those Hawthorn fans still booing Bartel after his ‘dive’ a few weeks previous were beginning to question the soundness of this strategy. Firstly it’s hard to stay angry with Bartel, but more importantly, we didn’t need to give him any extra reason to turn it on. Happily the low-fi hum was less and less evident with his every touch.  

When Hawthorn’s turn came to dominate, Isaac Smith, the Poo and Gunston scored, and we held a comfy buffer heading into half-time. Until, that is, Murdoch and Walker kicked late goals for the Cats to level scores at 6.5 each for half time.  The late goals were disappointing, but I took some solace from the fact that three weeks previous we were 22 points behind at half-time, and still won. This time we were at least level, so we were arguably in a far superior position.

The dead die hard

The very first kick of the third quarter was a free to Sam Mitchell in the centre, with which he calmly found David Hale. Hale’s kick, the seond of the quarter, was a goal. This was more like it. Our advantage restored we began again to dominate and the familiar plotline of a few weeks previous looked like it might play out with the Hawks running away with it. The only thing was, despite our general superiority, we weren’t scoring. Worse, Geelong did. Selwood ran onto a long kick and bounced through his third goal. Then Tom Hawkins was awarded a free kick that was arguably more of an ethical crime than that commited by the hackers who raided the cloud for photos of nude celebrities.  

This outrage sparked heated debate in the part of the grandstand where I was seated, coming on top of several Selwood ‘too high’ free kicks. The Hawks fan behind me calling Selwood ‘the turtle’ was in dispute with a Cats fan nearby whose only riposte was ‘tackle him round the waist then’, which of course is to deny the reality that the umpires would still award him a free for too high once he ducked. The woman next to me was gleeful with spite when Hawkins was awarded the free kick.

As if the players were as affronted as we were, the Hawks snapped into action. Hodge marked on the boundary line next to the point post and guided it through, Gunston ran through a pack and slotted one on the run, then followed up with a mark and goal from 25 metres out.

When Roughead was awarded a free kick 20 meters from goal, it gave Geelong fans the chance to whinge in turn, which they duly did. The free kick was doubtful, but the woman next to me held me personally responsible for the decision. Unlike Hawkins, however, Roughead did the decent thing and missed. Not that this stopped the woman from shouting at me.  I suggested she focus on her team and the game which was still close and try to take some pleasure in the fact that Geelong had kicked a goal with their dodgy free kick, whereas we‘d only managed a behind.

Our 14 point three quarter time lead was useful, but we’d dominated the play for much of the third quarter and couldn’t deliver the knockout blow. ‘The dead die hard’ begins Samuel Beckett’s posthumously published story, Echo’s Bones’, ‘they are trespassers on the beyond’ - a statement that might equally apply to Geelong, who weren’t succumbing as we’d have liked. This was largely due to Joel Selwood who was playing a dominant game. Sam Mitchell, however, was becoming an even greater influence and drawing other players into the game. Brad Hill in particular was playing a lively and enterprising game, as was Brad Sewell.

Mission Accomplished

Luke Breust kicked a trademark low goal a few minutes into the final quarter to give us some early confidence and a bit of breathing space, and we held this lead until Blicavs responded for the Cats. He’s a good player Blicavs; as hard to match up on as his name is to pronounce.

Nearly 20 minutes in and the Hawks’ increasing dominance started to show on the scoreboard and in our gloating. The woman next to me might have become deafened as Rough slotted a set shot from the boundary line. If not, she certainly heard all about Jordan Lewis’ two goals that followed. She was no longer next to me by the time Will Langford snapped another goal just before the siren, but I bet she still heard our roar as she made her way out of the ground.

The 36 point margin was the biggest between these teams since that glorious day in 2008 when we won the Grand Final by 26 points. Chris Scott’s sense of a mission accomplished proved to be as accurate as George W Bush’s. It may not have been the end of our combat operations, but at least we knocked Geelong out of our way.

Final scores: Hawthorn 15 14 104 d Geelong 10 8 68

Attendance: 74,753

Notable Hawks: Sam Mitchell, Shaun Burgoyne, Brad Hill, Brian Lake , Isaac Smith, Grant Birchall, Josh Gibson, David Hale, Liam Shiels, Luke Hodge

What we learned: The AFL announced that the entertainment at the Grand final would feature Tom Jones, Ed Sheeran and Olivia Newton-John. Tom’s signature tune, ‘What’s New Pussycat’ won’t have the same resonance without the Cats out there, but at least Ed will be able to dedicate ‘The A team’ to our Hawthorn boys.  As for Olivia, last time she performed at theGrand Final was 1986 when Hawthorn defeated Carlton, so that’s one good omen. And her set list reads like a veritable ode to Hawthorn: Hopelessly Devoted to You, I Love You, I Honestly Love You, Let’s Get Physical, and of course, Xanadu.  

We also learned that it's now okay to charge someone off the ball and headbutt them. Or if you do get reported, just call on Joel Selwood as your character witness. North Melbourne's Boomer Harvey was initially suspended for one week for initiating contact involving a head clash with Geelong's Joel Selwood in theor semi-final encounter. But one word from Joel, the umpire whisperer, and suddenly Boomer has been cleared to play in the Preliminary Final against Sydney. The most amazing thing from this incident is that despite a genuine head high clash, Selwood din't get a free kick!

What we already knew: Hawthorn are gangstas. In the week following this match I saw Kanye West perform at Rod Laver Arena, and while most of the crowd were straining to see if they could catch a glimpse of wife, Kim Kardashian, I only had to look two rows behind me to see the much more glamorous crew of Jack Gunston, Grant Birchall and Jordan Lewis seated in a private box with other Hawthorn identities. What gangstas! Hodgey’s posse as Kanye might say. Or more likely Hodgey’s bitches. I’m no Kardashian fan necessarily, but I reckon Kim would dish out a decent hip and shoulder.  

Round 23 - Collingwood v Hawthorn

Friday 29 August 2014*, MCG

* My apologies for the delay in this post. I was preparing for a talk and didn't quite get around to finishing this one - Qualifying final post coming soon!

Hawthorn - Guardians of the Galaxy

In the build up to our final game of the home and away season against Collingwood, the prevailing view was that the match was meaningless: from a football perspective that is, rather than an existential one, although I’d be inclined to question whether there’s a difference. 

Regardless of the result we were likely to end up with the same outcome, at least with respect to the finals. Kind of like the forthcoming Victorian election really, no matter who wins the end result will be the same. And it was true to a certain point: a Hawthorn win meant we would in all likelihood finish second and play Geelong in the first week of the finals. If Hawthorn were to lose, we would in all likelihood finish third and play Geelong in the first week of the finals.

But this is to ignore the other half of the equation: if Collingwood were to win, they might make the finals - assuming Richmond were to be defeated by the Swans, whereas if Collingwood were to lose, they would definitely miss out on the finals. So this gave Hawthorn plenty to play for. It’s not every week you get the chance to kill Collingwood’s finals chances.

Of course in predicting the outcome of this match you have to take into account Collingwood’s recent catastrophic run of injuries, which saw not only most of their best players missing, with the exception of Scott Pendlebury, but most of their playing list missing. There was some chance Hawthorn might have to lend them a couple of players, other than Clinton Young that is; we’d lent him to them the year before.

Hawthorn was missing players too. Despite our reported position of not resting players ahead of the finals; Luke Hodge, Ben Stratton, Matthew Suckling and Brad Hill all found themselves out of the team with various complaints and types of soreness - that’s half of our back six plus our main runner, so not insignificant exclusions.

Even so, there was very little realistic chance that an undermanned Collingwood would defeat Hawthorn on the eve of the finals, a position borne out by a disappointing crowd of 48,973 - this for a Friday night Collingwood home game they needed to win to make the finals. Perhaps the injury curse was sweeping through their membership ranks as well as the playing list.   

Guardians

The number one movie in the week of this match was the latest Marvel movie, Guardians of the Galaxy. The film tells the story of a group of disparate warriors who come together to protect the galaxy against threat of destruction by the evil Ronan the Accuser.  The group become known as the Guardians of the Galaxy and in their noble quest, the Guardians are perhaps fulfilling a role not that dissimilar to Hawthorn’s. Keeping Collingwood out of the finals surely equates to saving the galaxy from destruction, or am I overstating it?  

Extending the analogy, the guardians themselves bear similarities to some of the participants in this match. Quill the Star Lord is the captain, so most obviously equates to stand-in skipper Jordan Lewis, as long aswe overlook the bald spot; Gamorra, a deadly assassin with a sense of righteousness is Gibbo, if only because she’s the best looking of the guardians, despite having green skin and purple hair; Groot - a tall, tree-like humanoid whose height gives him a Ceglar-like appearance; Rocket, a genetically engineered raccoon who is a dynamic little fighting machine is clearly the  Poo; while Drax a vicious thug who starts out working against the guardians but eventually joins them can only be Brian Lake. The evil Ronan the accuser meanwhile, must therefore be Collingwood captain Scott Pendlebury.

Guardians of the Galaxy - that's Poo in the middle

The Eternal Question - Ball, Hodge or Judd?

I met up with my friend Julian, a Collingwood fan, and we took our seats in a largely vacant members’ section.  Julian wasn’t particularly optimistic about the game, but then neither was the cheer squad, whose banner farewelled Luke Ball, despite the fact that a win might have seen him playing next week.

With Luke Ball’s retirement, Julian and I were able to take one last chance to indulge in the 12 year long conversation comparing the three top picks from that famous 2001 draft and wonder for the umpteenth time who has had the better career: Ball, Judd or Hodge? Naturally I plumped for Hodge, two fewer Brownlows than Judd, sure, but both won Norm Smith medals while Hodge has one more premiership medal. Ball on the other hand did get a premiership medal with Collingwood in 2010, but as my friend Jason once observed, Ross Lyon’s decision to leave Ball on the bench in the second half of the 2009 Grand Final possibly cost St Kilda two premierships: the 2009 one plus 2010, after he left St Kilda for Collingwood and was instrumental in them defeating the Saints. Probably not the legacy he wanted, but a great player nonetheless.

The game? Well it was largely forgettable. Collingwood came out gallantly and held Hawthorn goal-less for the majority of the first quarter, while kicking the first couple themselves. So in this sense it followed a similar trajectory to a Marvel movie with the bad guys seemingly taking the early advantage. Jack Gunston kicking our first goal was the first sign that there was life yet in the good guys.    

As it turned out it took a little more time than one might have expected for Hawthorn to gain the upper hand in this match. The scores were still level as we entered time-on in the second quarter at four goals apiece. Worryingly at this point, three of Collingwood’s four goals had been kicked on Ryan Schoenmakers, including two to Corey Gault playing his first AFL game. This didn’t bode well for Schoenmakers’ chances of playing finals. 

Steele Sidebottom was playing an outstanding game for Collingwood. I’ve always thought Sidebottom was a good player, and as my friend John says, with a name like Steele Sidebottom he was either going to be a great footballer or a male porn star. 

Despite Collingwood’s and Sidebottom’s best efforts, the Hawks exerted some of their special powers and stole a late lead with two goals to Roughead, one to Gunston and one to Ceglar all in the final few minutes before half-time. A 26 point lead at half-time was likely to be sufficient, so I enjoyed my half-time drink in the Hugh Trumble bar more than Julian.   

At this stage in the movie the Guardians were still in trouble, so it could be that the Hawks are a superior force, or that our opponent Collingwood was weaker than Ronan and his evil army.

For Collingwood to win from here was going to take a comeback even more unexpected and triumphant than Kate Bush, who took to the London stage during the week for the first time in 35 years.  

When Liam Shiels won the first clearance and kicked it directly to Jordan Lewis, who goaled, any chance of a comeback was pretty much over. A minute later Rough took a strong mark and also converted, and the fat lady, or better yet, Kate Bush, started to sing.

And the rout hadn’t even begun yet.

David Hale kicked a goal on the threee quarter time siren. Then four goals in the opening six minutes of the final quarter took the leadout to nearly 70 points from where it barely budged. 

In the end Gunston kicked 5, Rough 4, Hale and the Poo 2 each. As well as this quartet, Lewis, Gibson, Burgoyne, Smith, Mitchell and Birchall were all outstanding. Saving the galaxy proved less problematic than you might think, but importantly for our guardians, they tuned up nicely for even more important battles – the finals! 

Final scores: Hawthorn 18 13 121 d Collingwood 8 8 56

Attendance: 48,973

Ladder position: 2nd

What we learned: At the post match press conference, one journalist posited the theory that Jack Gunston must be going to Sydney next year because like Buddy in 2013, he spent a fair bit of time up the ground getting kicks on the wing and half back line. As far as whacko conspiracy theories go, it was right up there with the fake moon landing. Clearly the journo in question hadn’t registered Gunston’s 5 goals, or the fact that he plays that way every week. Clarko, I thought, showed admirable restraint in simply saying that he didn’t understand the question. He could have been excused for morphing into Mick Malthouse and letting the journo know exactly what he thought of the comment, and I’m almost sorry he didn’t. It was nealy as daft as Mike Sheahan’s comments in Grand Final week last season that Clarkson would be coaching West coast this season. 

What we already knew: Kate didn’t play ‘Wuthering Heights’ in her comeback concert, and this match didn’t scale them either, but in saying that, Hawthorn did win convincingly, knocked Collingwood out of finals contention, and kicked off Spring Fashion week nicely with the ever stylish brown and gold verticals.