Same team marriage - the moral solution?
Regular readers of this blog are no doubt disappointed at the lack of virtual controversy so far stirred in these virtual pages. I’ve not been directed to take down any inflammatory content, asked for my resignation, summoned to a meeting with Andrew Demetriou, been offered mediation or counselling of any sort, or ever even had a conversation with Jason Mifsud. But that doesn’t mean I baulk at the uncomfortable truth or that I won’t tackle the thorny topics - there's no point writing a blog if you're not going to make absurd, unsubstantiated statements, so here goes...
The marriage act and how it affects footy fans is a subject that warrants close scrutiny. Amid the calls for legalising same-sex marriage, one topic is still being swept under the designer, cowhide rug: mixed-team marriage.
This insidious practice is driving families apart. I urge all Hawthorn fans to avoid it. Such marriages simply can’t last. It only takes one controversial umpiring decision that decides a match and the seeds of doubt and mistrust are sewn. And in a hothouse domestic environment, the seeds soon sprout causing longlasting division. Think of the children. Ask yourself, are you friends, I mean really friends, with any Carlton or Essendon supporters? No. Would you want your daughter to go out with a Collingwood fan? I thought not. The dangers are real. It’s an issue that threatens what columnists with a moral agenda and a lazy grasp of metaphor call the ‘fabric of society’, as if our community is something run up on the Husqvarna.
Sure there are some harmless combinations for a happy Hawthorn betrothal – North Melbourne, Melbourne – their fans don’t care, or at least don’t go to the footy. And some interstate teams are fine; West Australians are generally quite good looking and their teams are hardly ever here, plus it gives you an excuse to travel (Port Adelaide being the obvious exception). But it’s usually safer to stick to your own kind, someone who can share the good times, understands your need to be quiet and alone after a bad loss, someone who says, “fuck Q&A, let’s watch the third quarter of the 08 Grand Final again”, and someone who isn’t embarrassed when you ask them to dress up in long hooped hosiery and a brown ‘n gold 23 guernsey for a little bedroom footy frolic.
Opponents of same team marriage point to Collingwood as an example of the dangers of keeping things in house. And this is a good point. Collingwood fans do tend to marry other Collingwood fans, and then do what married couples often do – which in the case of Collingwood is binge drink and brawl, but also breed. The threat is obvious: two Collingwood fans have 2.75 children each and these then grow up to marry other Collingwood fans who also have 2.75 children, and over time the compound effect of all these little Collingwood fans making more little Collingwood fans and people living longer is potentially catastrophic. Add in a global warming climate where the balmy climes make everyone just a little bit friskier, and you’re sitting on a time-bomb. Still, it’s better than you having to marry one. So if you can’t marry into Hawthorn, and not everyone can be so blessed, then it’s best to marry outside football entirely. Many of the happiest marriages I know consist of one person who loves the Hawks, and the other who doesn't care, but who at least lets you get on with it undisturbed.
I realise that by advocating such a stance I risk painting myself as a football bigot, a sort of Ben Polis of nuptials, but as he said, "I’m not a racist…my cleaning woman is Asian."
Swine flu, redheads and the global financial crisis - looking ahead to Round 2: Geelong v Hawthorn.
On the eve of the 2009 AFL season, then Hawthorn president Jeff Kennett commented that Geelong didn’t have the mental toughness to beat Hawthorn. Smug and still slightly surprised after our victory over them in the 08 Grand final, most Hawks fans agreed. Of course in seven encounters since that pronouncement, we haven’t won once. Worse, in most of them, we could have or should have won.
I recall one match in particular in 2009 where with scores level, after we’d led all day, Josh Kennedy found himself running into an open goal with only seconds to go, but instead of kicking to register any score and put us in front, he inexplicably handballed to Buddy who was duly mown down, the ball taken to the other end of the ground where Bartel kicked a point after the siren to win it for the Cats. I began to feel quite ill and listless on the way home from that match, and indeed, was sick for some weeks afterwards. Turned out it was Swine flu, but I can’t help feeling that Geelong and Jimmy Bartel were somehow responsible for my illness. I want to make it clear though that I don’t blame Josh Kennedy for that loss, a) because Buddy probably demanded the ball and Josh was too scared not to give it to him, b) he’s a Kennedy, and c) even though he went to Sydney, anyone who’s ever played for the Hawks is above reproach.
Hawthorn fans, I feel, are divided into two types: those who watch the 08 Grand Final ahead of matches against Geelong, as a sort of mood setter or preventative pill, and those who watch it after we’ve suffered yet another narrow loss to them as a purgative or panacea. I tend to the latter, so have already got the DVD handy in case I need it Monday evening. I’m just glad Geelong doesn’t have the mental toughness to match it with us as Jeff said – imagine how much they’d win by if they did.
Evidently sick of these narrow losses, team selection for this week suggests that Clarkson has resorted to mind games. Not only is Roughy back (hands up those who like a bit of Rough!), but so is Kyle Cheney – two redheads selected just to mess with their minds at Geelong – the spiritual home of redheads. Hawthorn and Geelong has often been seen as a battle of blondes versus redheads (don’t ask me where strawberry blondes fit in), so this is a great tactical move by Clarko, but I’d have gone even further and brought Xavier Ellis, the X man, back into the side. Having said that, one of my correspondents, J-Hoe, questions where the X man is at, pointing out that he was selected ahead of Pendlebury in the draft, and while the X man was great in 08, Pendlebury is now an elite player whereas the X man is a Box Hill player. I tend to agree that Pendlebury is probably a better Brownlow bet at the moment, but one thing you can say about the X man, and I hate to bring it back to hair again, but unlike Pendlebury, at least he never tried dread-locks. Bad look Pendles.
The other new selection is Bradley Hill, our second round selection in last year’s draft. The Hawthorn website insists that, “he needs to bulk up before he sees senior footy” so he’s obviously been indulging in a diet of hot chips and Hawthorn Pilsner (more on this tasty brew in a future post) if he’s suddenly ready to take on Geelong in only Round 2. Still, he’s the brother of Fremantle Docker Stephen Hill, a good sign, and Freo beat Geelong last week so perhaps we’re hoping a bit of Freo magic runs in his blood. Plus he’s number 32, which is 23 in reverse, so another good sign perhaps. Or not.
While on signs and portents, I’m heartened to read of the impending financial crisis set to sweep the world. High unemployment, banks falling, companies collapsing, foreclosures, mass homelessness, life-savings lost, riots in the street – all healthy signs of a return of the GFC that afflicted the western world in 08, and therefore another positive portent for a Hawthorn premiership in 2012. And surely it’s not lost on anyone that GFC stands for Geelong Football Club – our opponents on that day, and possibly again this year. Spooky.
Now I don’t want to wish this sort of disaster on anyone, other than certain high profile mining magnates and media moguls perhaps, but if that’s what it takes…
It does raise the question of exactly what sort of personal or global disaster would you be prepared to accept on the proviso that Hawthorn wins the flag. I ask this in the spirit of philosophical inquiry, not as a way of inviting curses on particular institutions or individuals, but hey, if you think it will work, go ahead…and Go Hawks!
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