MCG, Sunday 2 June
Buddylingus
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| Buddy gets on to his natural arc |
“Greed, for lack of a better word, is good” says Gordon Gekko, as played by Michael Douglas in ‘Wall Street’. He also says, “What's worth doing is worth doing for money.” As I see it, kicking goals for the Hawks is arguably the most worthwhile human endeavour there is, so if it’s simply money that Buddy needs to keep doing it, Hawthorn’s executive needs to sort out a way for this happy practice to continue.
In this match Buddy kicked 2 goals, both from free kicks for holding. Of course had he been awarded a free kick every time he was held in or out of a contest, he might have ended up with 14 goals.
The way James Frawley grappled and groped him was more akin to sexual harassment than any legitimate defensive tactics. In fact had there been a magistrate present, Buddy could have successfully filed for a restraining order. That sort of thing may well be permissible in a men’s sauna, but not the goal square at the MCG, and only then if it’s consensual.
This brings us back to Michael Douglas who was reported in The Age this week as believing that giving oral sex is responsible for him contracting throat cancer. Throat! Tongue I can understand, but throat? He must really get in there! Or use a straw. That’s assuming of course that it is indeed women he favours with his nibbling and gnawing. His recent role as Liberace suggests that perhaps I’m taking too narrow a view of his predilections.
Anyway aside from the medical probabilities of this claim, given that he seems to have ruled out smoking and drinking as contributing factors, the level of self-congratulation and bragging inherent is notable. He goes on to claim that the cure for this type of cancer - HPV or human papillomavirus - is to administer more cunnilingus. I don’t know how this works from a medical standpoint, that the cause of the disease can also be the foundation of the cure, but it is eerily similar to the dilemma Hawthorn faces with Buddy at the moment: on one hand he’s not having the impact on the game that we know he can have, yet if he improves and starts kicking big bags, then his price goes up and we can’t afford to keep him, so our only hope is that his output continues to be modest.
Whatever the truth to Douglas’ diagnosis, it makes you wonder about the real inspiration behind wife Catherine Zeta-Jones’ films ‘Death-defying acts’ and ‘Entrapment’.
Of course where Douglas has really been irresponsible, at least on behalf of all other men, is to let on to women that oral sex can cause HPV – as if they need any further reasons to forgo this past time.
Melbourne Bitter
‘It’s a funny game, football’ is the sort of expression you might trot out to explain away a surprise result, but there was very little chance this match would provide much in the way of mirth, at least for Melbourne fans.
In fact ALP strategists would be more optimistic of victory at the forthcoming federal election than Melbourne’s coaching panel ahead of this week’s match. And about as likely to still be in their jobs come September.
It might be an interesting experiment for the Melbourne coaching panel and the ALP front bench to swap positions for six months and see if either institution fares any worse than is currently the case.
The prospect of a one-sided whitewash doesn’t appeal to everyone and that may explain the poor turnout of only 28,546. It’s like playing an interstate team. In fact, only 434 fewer people turned out the previous week to watch Hawthorn play Gold Coast at the same venue. And this at a venue that has been Melbourne’s home ground since 1890.
Not that I blame Melbourne fans for not turning up – the match pretty much panned out as they would have predicted when they opted to catch a matinee of The Great Gatsby, pick up a Ralph Lauren polo at David Jones' mid-year clearance or have an afternoon nap instead of going to the game.
In the first quarter, the inside 50 count was 14-8 in Hawthorn’s favour. This sounds dominant enough, but what that stat doesn’t show is that for some of those 14 entries, the ball stayed inside Hawthorn’s forward 50 for five minutes at a stretch, with the Hawks trying to find a way through the morass of Melbourne players cluttering up the backline. In fact Hawthorn’s forward line was more densely populated than sections of the Great Southern Stand.
The Hawks were applying strong pressure and executing some telling smothers to keep the ball in the forward half. Only poor conversion cost us a match-winning quarter time lead, scoring 3.9 with five missed set shots, including three from Breust.
There’s been much talk of Buddy’s form this year, but his value to the side was illustrated in the first goal of the second quarter. Isaac Smith took possession of the ball and ran towards goal bouncing the ball, with Buddy and three Melbourne defenders running alongside him all the way, but with the three Melbourne defenders focused only on Buddy, Smith was allowed to just keep running and calmly slot the goal.
This was the first of three goals in three minutes to effectively close out the match, with Breust finally nailing a set shot and Burgoyne screwing one through with his left. Then Birchall let fly with a torp that The Rough marked on the edge of the goal square.
The Melbourne supporter in front of me had remained stoic and as patient as could be expected throughout all this, but after yet another botched attempt on goal, he finally cracked. ‘At least get one goal for the match’ he bemoaned. His fears were reasonably well-founded too. As Melbourne’s latest snap shot attempt went sailing out on the full, the possibility that the Dees may not score a goal for the entire game had begun to dawn on those who were there. So it came almost as a relief when Jeremy Howe knocked one through off his shin.
They nearly got a second soon afterwards through a series of Hawk mishaps. Gibson took a pass from Smith at half back. Wracked by indecision he feinted left, then right, then when the umpire who was clearly bored with how long it was all taking called play on, he went left again, but somehow missed his foot in the ball drop and it simply bounced towards Rodan, the man on the mark, who got it to Trengrove, then McDonald who bombed it long towards goal, where Lake and Birchall stood waiting beneath it, both courteously leaving it for each other – “After you”, No, after you”, “No, look, I insist, after you” – during which time it nearly bounced through except that it fortuitously hit Birchall on the way and only a rushed behind ensued.
The quarter ended as it began, with a trinity of Hawthorn goals in the space of two minutes: Breust from a free, Smith from 50 and Birchall round the body right on the siren. After disappointing conversion in the first quarter, we added 9.1 in the second for a 69 point lead.
An 11 goal lead at half time is enough to win most matches and that’s pretty much the way Hawthorn approached the third quarter. I’m not suggesting we were complacent, or that we coasted, but we were outscored by Melbourne, so whatever key indicators all those stats people in the coaches box are measuring, whatever complex algorithms they’re running on their Apple Macs to determine player fitness and fatigue, the fact remains that we were outscored for the quarter. Aside from a strong mark and goal from the Rough, the only point of interest in the quarter was Hodgey being subbed-off. Hence, a good old school spray from Clarko was required at the break.
Whatever Clarko said seemed to have some effect. From the first bounce of the final quarter, Sewell, who had played an excellent match, took it from the centre and banged it forward where Grimley took a strong grab and goaled.
Several goals followed, including Bresut’s fifth, but the real highlights of the final term came from The Poo, who had been energetic all game. In classic Poo mode, he collected the ball in the pocket at Buddy’s feet, broke one tackle, barged through another and wheeled around to shoot on goal, only to put it out wide and on the full. Five minute later he went through the same routine, but this time scored a beautiful goal to cap off an excellent match.
"I stay down with my Demons"
'Demons', The NationalThere has been much speculation in the media this week about the fate of Melbourne coach Mark Neeld. As if sacking the coach could possibly improve Melbourne in the immediate future, or as if Neeld arrived to an elite team of ready-made champions, and not a sinking ship that was already half submerged when he took the wheel. This doesn’t stop the media stalking him and going through his rubbish bins.
One day I’d like to see all of the AFL coaches camped outside the offices of the Herald-Sun, for example, and when Damo, Hutchy, Ralphy or Robbo rock up to work the day after a typo has slipped past the subs, bombard them with questions that contravene every basic workplace protection put in place by Fair Work Australia. Questions like 'Do you think your job is safe?' 'Have you lost the faith of the board?' 'Will you survive today?' 'Have you been asked to resign?' 'Have you thought about stepping down?'
Footage of coaches, or to give them their full title, ‘beleaguered coaches’ getting out of cars and walking into a building is not illustrative of anything except the electronic media’s utter lack of imagination or sense of a story. When footy journalists apply to their own work the same standards of excellence to which they hold AFL coaches accountable, and when they’re happy to forego the safety net provided by strong industrial laws designed to protect them from unlawful sacking, they’ll have a lot more credibility when calling for a coach to be sacked.
But footy journalists and Melbourne supporters aren't the only people questioning Mark Neeld's hold on the Melbourne coaching job. American indie rock band, The National's new single 'Demons' sees singer Matt Berninger put himself in Mark Neeld’s shoes to illustrate the coach’s plight.
"I stay down with my demons" he croons in the chorus in general recognition of where he and his team are placed.
In the verses he gives more explicit voice to his unease over the outcome of this week’s board meeting at Melbourne,
"I get this sudden sinking feeling
Of a man about to fly"
... and even outlines his reaction to some of his team’s recent performances and the way he’s coaching.
"Never kept me up before
Now I've been awake for days
I can't fight it anymore
I'm going through an awkward phase."
…ultimately conceding that he is becoming defined by the current situation
"It's become the crux of me
I wish that I could rise above it
But I stay down
With my demons"
A reference to "Passing buzzards in the sky" suggests on the one hand, circling Hawks, such as he encountered on the weekend, and on the other, football journalists preparing to pick over his carcass .
"The worried talk to god goes on" is familiar to anyone who has seen footage of Neeld in the coaching box on game day. The song concludes with an attempt at self-evaluation that, if nothing else, accurately captures the mood when he walks into a post-match press conference.
"Do not know what's wrong with me
Sours in the cup
When I walk into a room
I do not light it up
Fuck.
So I stay down, with my demons."
(Repeat chorus)
Looking at it this way, perhaps Mark Neeld should be relieved of his duties…for his own sake!
Final scores: Hawthorn 21 17 143 d Melbourne 6 12 48
What we learned – More than we really wanted to know about Michael Douglas' courtship rituals. Also that Melbourne has only 434 more fans than Gold Coast – in Melbourne.
What we already knew – After Carlton kicked inaccurately against Brisbane, coach Mick Malthouse suggested the full moon was responsible, drawing the ball away from the goals. While this comment was largely viewed in a comic light, regular readers of this blog will recall that we made the very same connection after Round 7 2012 when Hawthorn last met Melbourne and kicked 15 25, including 3.7 to Buddy, while the perigee-syzygy, or super moon, loomed over us.
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