Fifty Shades of Brown and Gold…Hawthorn porn
Warning: Adult content. Strong sex scenes.
First he secured my right ankle to the bed post by tying a knot in his 2012 year membership scarf. Bringing my left leg under my back he bound it to my right wrist. My left wrist he secured to the bed post with his 08 membership scarf, and then stuffed my membership bandana into my mouth. Thus manacled, I was helpless against his wishes, just the way I liked it. His long, black boots beat out a slow rhythmic tattoo as he strode the floorboards next to the bed. With each heavy footfall he was swinging his membership lanyard which he then brought down with a crisp, fierce swish against my bare thigh. “More master” I begged as the welt began to expand and sting.
“Call me Buddy!” he demanded gruffly, whipping me with the lanyard once more to make his point. Wearing the traditional striped home jumper he climbed on the bed and sat astride me, facing away from me so that I could see the big 23 on his back. I moaned with pleasure as he reached out to caress me with his left hand, while with his right he took up the remote control and flicked on the TV. The vision onscreen showed a mass of writhing, sweaty bodies, clambering over each other, touching, rubbing. Legs, arms, lips and firm arses in tight shorts bucked and heaved. It was the third quarter of the 08 Grand Final and Stewie Dew was just getting the ball off Buddy to slot one between the labia-like goal posts…”Oooh, ugh…” I moaned.
Thus we enter the dark, mysterious world of BDSM, or ‘Buddy Sado-Masochism,’ as described in the number one best seller, ‘Fifty Shades of Brown and Gold’ where our heroine, Aurora Mulgrave, relates the details of her erotic submission to the enigmatic and powerful billionaire, Glen Ferrie, whose predilections run to the lewd extremes of brown and gold devotion. Dressing up, whips, scarf bondage, and yes, there’s a shockingly graphic shower scene.
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Foreplay
With the Harry Potter books, J.K. Rowling is credited with getting children to read (have you noticed that Harry Potter wears a Hawthorn scarf?), but an equally impressive feat is that of E.L. James who has gotten lapsed adult readers back into books with her erotic trilogy, beginning with ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’, which has sold over 10 million copies worldwide and is credited with fuelling the rise of e-Book. What is it with these women known by their initials - first there was J. K Austen and E.L. Bronte, and now these two?
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ is a first person narrative told by Anastasia Steele about her relationship with billionaire magnate, Christian Grey, whose sexual tastes run to the extremes of sado-masochism. The book is noted for its explicit depiction of sex in general and BDSM practices in particular. And readers are responding to these explicit scenes with the sort of excitement and conspicuous arousal displayed by Hawks fans witnessing Buddy Franklin’s performance against North Melbourne on Saturday. North defenders were simply submissives to Buddy’s dominance, and if they weren’t tied up in knots literally, they certainly were figuratively. It was Hawthorn porn and I'm addicted.
Hawthorn porn
My viewing of the match was disjointed owing to the demands of a 10 year old’s birthday outing. For the first quarter I was at the Linc, and unlike my previous visit, the Hawks were on the big screen this time. We began ferociously, tackling with real intensity, and it was Lewis’ desperation that got the ball to The Poo for our first. A second followed, this time to Lewis, and it was looking like we were set for a big day. Then North kicked four unanswered goals, Buddy couldn’t get near it and I was back to being the anxious wreck of the previous week. North is one of our bogey teams and have an unpleasant knack of beating us, so I was just beginning to steel myself for some anxious viewing, when Isaac Smith took the ball on half back…
There was only 50 seconds on the clock and we were down by nearly two goals when Smith took off. But it was in that 50 seconds that Hawthorn swung the game. Smith went for a run and got the ball to Young who slotted a nice long goal from outside 50. From the bounce, Mitchell got it out to Cyril who kicked another long goal from outside 50 and suddenly we were a point in front. Then from the next bounce the ball went straight to Buddy who won the marking duel about 40 out. How was his kicking today? What were we in for? The siren went as he walked in to kick and although Foxtel tried to trick us with a weird camera angle, the ball went sailing through the middle. Buddy was back and in less than a minute we’d turned a two goal deficit into a one goal lead.
I had to leave the Linc early in the second quarter to drive to the cinema, pick up children and ferry them home for part two of the party. By the time I got to the car and found the match on Triple M, Buddy was running in to kick his fourth, and on my short drive to the cinema he kicked his fifth and six. Lookin' good at half time with a six goal lead and growing.
Buddy snagged his seventh and eighth as I made my way back to the Linc and as the Hawks continued to stretch the lead, it was clear that Buddy’s goal tally was the only remaining point of interest in the match. As I pulled up, a mother and two kids were walking past and both boys were carrying a brand new Buddy ball in a box. Whatever technical flaw existed had obviously been corrected and there would be no need for the product recall. I reassured the woman that she'd made a sound purchase as the man himself had just kicked his eighth.
The crowd in the Linc had swelled while I’d been gone and Buddy had even diverted the attention of the seasoned punters who were watching the racing on a separate screen. He was marking strongly and he had his his left-to-right going beautifully again. A roar went up as he marked to kick his ninth. Another roar as he marked to line up for his tenth and his biggest tally ever. A hush fell over the bar. He walked in, spun the ball in his grip, went out on his arc….and missed. But he took another mark a minute later and duly slotted it. He’d kicked 10 and it wasn’t yet three-quarter time! Considering he kicked his first on the quarter-time siren, he’d effectively kicked 10 in two quarters.
After another long set shot sailed through early in the final quarter, there was a bit of a lull, broken by a beautiful running goal by Cyril on the boundary to take the margin beyond 100 points. It was a weird game to watch, because although the team was playing extremely well, everyone watching was impatient for the ball to get down to Buddy, just to see what he could do. Then the Hawks began arsing about with it a bit, chipping it here and there, backwards and sideways as if they had to eat up the clock. Then gripped by a sudden urgency, they got it forward and Buddy took another mark. With only a minute left on the clock he had a chance to make it 12, but his kick was smothered by the man on the mark and the ball dribbled out of bounds. Well, I was thinking, 11 goals, that’s still pretty good. Then from the ball-in Lewis crammed in a pack handballed over his head to an already sprinting Buddy who kept running and sent it through post high from 45 metres out on the boundary. The crowd in the bar were laughing and applauding and barely had I time to text superlatives to a friend when, with 5 seconds to go, he dropped a mark, recovered, gathered and swung round to kick number 13 on the final siren – the money shot.
The bar was in uproar. There was a lot of Buddy love in the room, and I don’t mind admitting my eyes grew a little moist as his 13th sailed through.
Happy ending
It was truly amazing to watch. Complete Hawthorn dominance with Buddy putting on a performance for the ages. None of those dinky grubber attempts, no surging to the half-back line to get possession – just fast leads, strong marks and soaring kicks. Hawthorn fans have been anticipating this sort of performance for years. "He'll kick 12 one day" we said, and now, just when you thought his powers might be waning, he has.
There were a number of great Hawk players on the day: Mitchell, Lewis, Sewell, Birch, the Cobbler and of course the Rough, but the day belonged to Buddy. What a star - there’s a reason he wears the 23. And the fact that both Carlton and Essendon proceeded to lose later that evening added a nice satisfying touch; a happy ending if you like.
In bed with 'Brown and Gold'
A few celebratory beers later and I was tucked up in bed with my e-reader, losing myself in the erotically charged world of Aurora Mulgrave and Glen Ferrie… I was seated on a hard wooden bench with the phone to my ear. Glen was shouting at me; issuing commands. “Get in and under”, he said, pushing me down. “Go harder” he ordered. “Push forward.” I did.
Back on my feet, I was draped in only in a large triangular premiership flag that I wore like a toga. He grasped the corner of the flag between his fingers and spun me around. I grew dizzy as the flag unspooled and fell at my feet, leaving me standing naked before him, just a big 23 tattooed on my back…
Final scores: Hawthorn 27.12.174 d North Melbourne 9.5.59
Buddy goal tally: 13 = total, 34
Buddy behind tally: 4 = total, 40
What we like: Buddy back leading the Coleman medal. Bradley Hill in for his second match, showed speed, aility and the right instinct, that is, look up and kick it to Buddy.
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