Round 7 - Hawthorn v Sydney Swans

MCG, Saturday 11 May 2013

“Borne back ceaselessly into the past”

F. Scoot Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

Keep a lid on it fellas

For the next few years at least, all Hawthorn v Sydney matches will be imbued with the events of Grand Final day 2012, each meeting of the two teams will carry an echo of what transpired on that day. Particularly this, the first one.  If the Swans defeat us, we acknowledge that we’ve been beaten by a superior team and even take some solace in the fact that last year’s Grand Final result was perhaps a just one. If we defeat the Swans, however, the victory is laced with a melancholic note of the victory we couldn’t achieve – we catch an agonising peek at the paradise in which we might have lolled.  Within our small triumph we glimpse our greater failure, and our celebrations will be somewhat tempered as a result.

The match was marketed as the Grand Final rematch, but it’s only a rematch for the vanquished; only they have anything to prove.  As Howard Jacobsen writes in Zoo Time, “Success is arbitrary and wayward; only failure is the real measure of things.”

Unlike Grand Final week, this time there was no forensic scrutiny of ins and outs or individual player fitness, no parading of past champions or misty-eyed predictions carrying emotional resonance. In fact the game nearly passed by unnoticed, given the hysteria surrounding the previous night’s game between undefeated teams Geelong and Essendon. In successive nights, footy fans could watch the two best teams of 2013, and the two best teams of 2012.

What talk there was focused as much on Buddy’s travails rather than any other aspect of the clash. The real problem with the pre-match build-up was not the constant references to Buddy being held goalless for two consecutive weeks for the first time since 2005, a stat everyone learned and then felt the need to trot out, but that we had to endure an entire week of seeing slo-mo footage of Malceski kicking that fucking goal.

Recovering from major surgery on the eve of the season, my Hawk buddy Chan-Tha was lying in her hospital bed when the TV fixed to her line of vision began showing a replay of the 2012 Grand Final. With one hand she began to frantically ring the nurse’s alarm, while with the other she no less frantically began to self-administer dosages of morphine from her dispenser. A panicked nurse appeared imagining some desperate post-operative emergency, only to be confronted by a groggy Chan-Tha asking for the channel to be changed. “Don’t you like football?” the nurse enquired. “Yes, but I support Hawthorn. I don’t want to watch this.”

The poor girl; her health was precarious enough without subjecting her to that horror.

Who’s that Mofo? 

"Hey ump, check out the weird outfits these two are wearing"
- photo: themercury.com.au

There was talk pre-season that the AFL might use a Hawthorn Sydney clash as part of a showcase to stamp out anti-homophobic attitudes and celebrate inclusivity across sport and society.

It’s easy to see why the Swans might be used as a vehicle for such a game – given the large gay population in Sydney. It’s less clear, however, why Hawthorn would be involved, unless it’s our clash strip, which wouldn’t look out of place on a Mardi-Gras float.

I’m not sure if that idea is still afloat, but there was a hint of it pre-game. Instead of the usual footy fan in stonewash denim, trainers and ill-fitting track top, the coin toss was conducted by one of the most exotic creatures to set foot on the MCG since Madonna played there in the mid 90s wearing her cone bra.

Draped in a patterned cloak, she wore a crimson head dress with strings of beads dangling like a cork hat. It had perhaps once been used as a lamp shade in a brothel. Surely, I thought, this is a drag diva dressed as Gloria Swanson from Sunset Boulevard, here to encourage harmony between people of different sexual orientation. It turns out the coin tosser was dressed this way as part a promotion for Dark MOFO – a music and arts festival being held at Hobart's MONA Gallery in June.

Using a football match as a marketing vehicle for a contemporary arts festival is perhaps even more baffling than using it as a vehicle to stamp out homophobia. I suspect even the most homophobic in the crowd would find the idea of sexual relations between two grunting, lubed-up footballers or scratching, biting women to be less confronting than some of the music and art they might experience at Dark MOFO.

The Hawks' Mardi-Gras costume

Note: Friday 17 May is IDAHO Day - the International Day Against Homophobia. Hodgey is on board to deliver the message of acceptance and goodwill on behalf of Hawthorn. Nice one Luke.

May 17 is selected because on that day in 1990 the World Health Organisation removed homosexuality from the classification of diseases. And as it happens, it's also bang in the middle of Eurovision!

Buddy’s back

There was an even stranger presence than Dark MOFO in the centre square moments later when The Poo lined up there for the first bounce. You had to wonder how seriously we were taking the match if The Poo was in the middle for the first bounce instead of, say, Hodge, Sewell or Burgoyne – just to name a few of the elite midfielders Clarko could have called on.

Had Clarko assigned Brian Lake to tandem with The Poo at the bounce, we might have boasted a midfield of equal potency to the recently announced political alliance of Clive Palmer and Peter Slipper. Talk about a political dream team.

The pre-match babble about Buddy was quickly quietened when our man slotted his first goal just a few minutes in – and what a goal! Taking a mark on the flank outside 50 he turned boundary side to get past Richards and on the run on his left side threaded a trademark Buddy special. After Gunston snapped a nice round-the-corner goal, Buddy then got front and centre to grab the ball from a Bailey spoil and slotted his second in 5 minutes. Bailey and Breust added two more and we had a handsome 5 goals to 1 first quarter.

Golden Rough

The blitz continued in the second, led by The Big Rough who bagged three beauties. The first from a towering grab, the second after Lewis attacked and dispossessed Goodes; then as he fell backwards kicking the ball over his head where Rough plucked it and banged home a big one. The third came after a pass from The Poo which the umpire deemed not to have travelled 15 metres, so Rough simply wheeled around and sent another one through. Rough was also responsible for one of Gunston’s goals, pushing through a pack and getting a long handball to Gunston who had enough space to steady and steer home his second.

Buddy kicked another classic after fending off two defenders and slamming it round his body for his third.

But perhaps the best goal of the quarter came from Burgoyne, taking it straight from the bounce he ran eight, possibly nine steps and rammed it home! What a goal!...What?...You can’t be serious!  ‘Too far’ the umpire signalled in a trademark example of a delusional umpire who thinks 57,000 people turned up to watch him officiate the match, not watch the champions play it.

All hail, ah, Hale

A seven goal half-time lead was surely going to be sufficient, and that seemed to be how the players approached it. The third quarter was uneventful, or perhaps it just seemed that way given that I was nursing a pint in the Bullring Bar. Basically it took so long to get served that by the time I was taking my first sip the boys were back out there.

We did spot Mark Williams in the bullring, the Hawthorn premiership hero that is, not Choco.

I almost feel sorry for Ben McGlynn...almost.

On the screen I saw McGlynn start to get into the match. I almost feel sorry for Ben McGlynn. And I would had he left Hawthorn for any other team. I always liked him at the Hawks. He was injured throughout 08 when he was at Hawthorn, missing out on playing in our premiership, and then having established himself as an important player for Sydney, he was injured in last year’s finals and missed out on their premiership. As I said, I almost feel sorry for him.

There was a memorable passage of play from the Poo in the third quarter; using strength to wrestle the ball out of the centre to win a clearance, he then completely duffed the kick. He followed up to make amends, again stole the ball, and then again duffed the kick. Two superb acts and two clangers, all in the space of 30 seconds – that’s The Poo. As my friend Pete observed, ‘the problem with The Poo is that he thinks he’s a good player.’

Hawthorn forwards were taking it in turns to dominate: Buddy in the first, Rough and Gunston in the second, it was Hale’s turn in the third as he kicked a couple of important goals in quick succession to ensure that we maintained our advantage.

What we can learn from Japanese porn 

Clearer than a goal review
- 'Emo Anime Love Kiss'
freeanimemangaonline.blogspot.com

Hale also got the first of the final quarter, but despite this, Sydney continued to close on us. So Lewis’ excellent snap to restore our superiority was most welcome. Here again though the umpires sought to wrest attention away from the players and onto themselves. After the goal umpire awarded a goal, a boundary umpire who’d been in another postcode decided he needed to influence the result and protested that the ball might have been touched.  So up it went for review, where naturally, the footage proved inconclusive for the simple reason that blurred footage will always be inconclusive. It’s the same in cricket when they try to use video to determine if a ball was caught cleanly – it can never capture it. But instead of then taking the goal umpire’s initial call; he had after all, signalled a goal instantly and was in the perfect position; the field umpire took the word of the boundary umpire. The ensuing and quite resounding ‘Bullshit’ chant is something Hawthorn supporters can be very proud of.

There must be something wrong with the cameras or the quality of the production at Australian sporting grounds. You can never pinpoint the precise moment the ball is touched or whether it grazes the post, yet in almost any half-decent Japanese porn movie you can pause it at any moment and see with absolute clarity which finger tip is grazing against which erogenous zone and whose incisor left bite marks on what thigh. If only the AFL could call on the resources and production standards of the pornography industry to fix the goal review system.

Last week an overly zealous umpire helped the Hawks get over the line when he paid a free kick against Scott Thompson for a push out in a marking contest. From the resulting free kick and 50 metre penalty to David Hale, Hawthorn stormed forward and kicked a goal to regain the lead. This week overly zealous umpiring stripped Hawthorn of two goals – both of them sensational – turning a handsome 8 goal thumping of the Swans to a slightly less emphatic 6 goal victory.

Orgiastic future

After his initial flourish, Buddy had been rather subdued. His only shot at goal in the second half was an inexplicable miss from about two metres – after which Sydney went forward and scored, reducing the margin to 25 points. Happily Osborne and Burgoyne added two more to restore a decent margin and calm any emerging anxiety.

This was a great performance by the Hawks: Hodge, Roughead and Gibson were best afield, but every player contributed, touching our erogenous zones one way or another.

If Hawthorn v Sydney matches must be viewed through the prism of the 2012 Grand Final, we can at least take some satisfaction in reversing that result in the present.

On the eve of Baz Luhrmann’s film version of The Great Gatsby opening in Australia, I’m reminded of Nick Carraway’s observations at the very end of the novel; referring to Gatsby’s belief in “the orgiastic future”  he says “It eluded us then, but that’s no matter –tomorrow we will run faster stretch out our arms farther….And one fine morning –“  

He could be referring to Hawthorn as much as Gatsby, and just as in the novel, Hawthorn premiership parties will be  every bit as “gleaming” and “dazzling” as Gatsby’s famed soirees when we win this year’s flag. Did someone say “orgiastic future”? Bring on September!


Final scores: Hawthorn 18 11 119  d  Sydney Swans 12 10 82


What we learned: There was a person called Darrin Baxter who once played for Hawthorn. The scarf minding the seat in front of me was festooned with a number of classic Hawthorn heritage pins – including player badges for relatively obscure Hawthorn alumni in Justin Crawford and Paul Cooper. I remember Justin Crawford playing and vaguely recall the name Paul Cooper, but I can honestly say I have no memory of Darrin Baxter.  He must have had even less impact than Michael Zemski.


What we already knew: In a post-match interview, Roughead referred to his level of fitness as akin to an ‘asthmatic turtle’.


Elsewhere: it was a surprise later that night when Wigan defeated Manchester City to win the FA Cup, but an even bigger surprise was that it took nearly a whole minute into the preamble for Les Murray to use the phrase ‘David and Goliath battle’ when referring to the respective teams.