Round 8 - Hawthorn v Greater Western Sydney

Aurora Stadium, Saturday 18 May

Let's Get High on Hawthorn

“Hawthorn...S Mitchell...Three votes” 

Mitchell overhears talk about him being
subbed-off

Half way through the third quarter and apropos of nothing in particular, the Fox Footy commentary team of Anthony Hudson, Brad Johnson, Tony Shaw, David King and Ben Dixon (there may well have been others) pondered the optimum time for Hawthorn to introduce its sub into the match. They then began to opine about which player Hawthorn might sub-off to facilitate The Poo’s injection into the fray. Surprisingly perhaps, they settled on Sam Mitchell on the basis that he had probably already secured the three Brownlow medal votes. Following this line of reasoning further, one of them suggested that subbing-off Mitchell would in fact be proof that he already had the three Brownlow votes.

This raises several questions – chief among them being why would we ever sub-off Sam Mitchell while he is still conscious – but also, should the coaching panel really be basing their decision on the likelihood or otherwise of Brownlow voting? And if so, would it not make more sense to sub-off someone playing poorly, someone who is unlikely to figure in the votes, and keep the good performers on the field? Even if the coaching panel is going to rest the good players without putting Brownlow votes at risk, this presupposes they have some insight into the vagaries of Brownlow voting, when really, the very fact that Sam Mitchell hasn’t won at least one Brownlow medal already exposes a gaping flaw in the system and renders useless the idea of trying to second guess it.

“Ya, hallo Malmo. Amaaazing show! Our maximum points go to Hawthorn”

"Hawthorn. S Mitchell. 3 votes"
- photo eurovision.tv

As it happens, the only voting system more flawed than the Brownlow, and only slightly less boring to watch was also taking place over the same weekend. I refer of course to Eurovision. The only real difference between the two events is that the Brownlow isn’t preceded by a four hour production of over the top, high camp pop songs performed by a succession of ludicrously costumed vocalists. Perhaps it would be better if it was.

The other difference between the two events is that participants in Eurovison squeal and wave team flags every time they get a vote, whereas AFL players shrug their shoulders dismissively and shake their heads to convey that there must have been some regrettable mistake.  Wouldn’t the Brownlow be better with a little less macho modesty and a bit more high-fiving, whoop whooping, “I’m da man…I’m gonna take you down!” type antics from the boys?

The AFL could certainly learn a few lessons from the production of Eurovision. Instead of Andrew Demetriou intoning the ‘one vote, two votes, three votes’ mantra, they could adopt a similar system to Eurovision, with the umpires appearing by video link to announce their votes. They could film a selfie video in their dressing room after each match and then show it on the night. And Bruce Macavaney could sit centre stage like Petra Mede, receiving the votes while wearing a long, layered white gown, like a figurine on a wedding cake. A few lesbian kissing scenes a la Finland’s entry might also enliven the night.

Incidentally, this year’s winning song, ‘Only Teardrops’ by Emmelie de Forest of Denmark, contains a refrain of “How many times can we win and lose” suggesting it might refer to a win-loss ratio.

And after Saturday’s win over GWS, our win-loss ratio is a very healthy 7-1. It may seem peevish to be slightly dissatisfied with an 83 point victory, but last time we played the Giants we won by 162 points – that’s a 79 point turnaround! A repeat of that and we’re down to a match decided by a kick.

Vodka eyeballing

"Skol...Skol...Skol!"

Like most Hawthorn fans, I approached this match like an addict anticipating a good binge, the equivalent of the transition from sipping a vodka, lime & soda to vodka eyeballing. I wanted an immediate and intense rush; I wanted a glut of goals. And while we kicked the first five goals and five of the last six, for the middle part of the match we were, by comparison, like a recovering heroin addict on the methadone program, getting our fix in small doses.

Of course I draw this analogy on the back of news that there’s been a sharp increase in AFL players testing positive to illicit drugs – the fun ones that is, not the illicit ones that can potentially make you better at football. No one has tested positive to those, although there seems to be plenty of evidence to suggest that players are taking them nonetheless.

Cocaine is apparently the recreational drug of choice among AFL players; a drug that reportedly provides the user with an increased sense of energy and alertness, a heightened mood and a feeling of supremacy. Ok, so it might sound like a character study of Buddy, but let’s not jump to conclusions. When you consider that cocaine also increases irritability, paranoia, restlessness and anxiety, you’re probably referring to the Melbourne coaching team, or the person who thought it would be a good idea for Bonnie Tyler to represent the UK at Eurovision.

Hawthorn – my drug of choice

There was an initial rush of sorts. Once Buddy passed to Rough for the first goal, three more followed quickly from Shiels, Hodge and Burgoyne, before Rhys Palmer juggled a mark and got one back for the Giants. Rhys Palmer was sporting what Chan-Tha described as a European headband, a thin spaghetti strap around his head, except, as she pointed out, he wore it in such a way that it actually trapped the hair in his eyes.

The highlight of the quarter came from Mitchell of course, running on to a Gunston pass in the pocket, he looked for options inboard, but finding none, shrugged his shoulders and bent it through himself.

Buddy snagged a couple in the second quarter, the second of which was a strong snap after taking the handball from Burgoyne and bursting though the pack to goal.

But the Giants played quite well in the second quarter and even though the Hawks were still in the ascendant, with Gunston kicking a couple and Rough adding his third, the Giants evened things up in the third and were even on top for parts of the quarter. Over the middle period of the match, the Hawks kicked 9.9 to the Giants 6.1, so while we were not exactly threatened, it wasn’t the goal binge we were hoping for. In fact for parts of the third quarter I felt like I was going cold turkey. Happily a duffed clearance from GWS landed with The Rough about 25 out and just on the siren Hale got on the end of one to restore a healthy buffer.

The Hawks extended this in the final quarter with 5 goals to 1 – including Lewis intercepting a kick-in and Sewell fending off a couple of players to break their tackle and put one through. Even The Poo steered one through; he'd come on for Osborne in the third - the Hawthorn brains trust evidently ignoring the advice of the commentary team, taking off Osborne who hadn't exactly given the stats person RSI, and leaving Mitchell out there to rack up Brownlow votes, unless of course the runner just got the blonde hair confused and took off Osborne by mistake.

The Rough polished the win by added his fifth after the siren. Not necessarily the most exciting post-siren goal of the weekend – perhaps Nick Natanui’s match winner against North has the edge there – but still, it was ours, so that gives it a certain cachet. And as it happens, the Fox Footy boundary rider was Ben Dixon; kicker of one of our most famous post-siren goals against Carlton in 2001.

In the end an 83 point victory gave us a nice, soothing high that allowed us to drift gently into the evening. When Collingwood defeated Geelong later that night we could lay back and luxuriate in top spot on the ladder.


Hawthorn  21  14  140  d  Greater Western Sydney 9  3  57


What we learned: Jonathan Simpkin played well in his first full game for the Hawks, as did Matt Spangher, who would do well to either cut his hair to fit the neat Hawthorn look, or turn his patchy scrub of a beard into designer stubble and add a touch of product. He could then go for the Italian soccer star or pimp look.


What we already knew:  The Hawthorn Amber Ale, a rich dark ale just perfect for cold winter days watching The Hawks.

What we'll never understand: How The Age 'Footballer of the Year' voting works. This week, for example, Sam Mitchell, Gunston and Lewis were each awarded 7 votes, with Simpkin and The Rough receiving 6 votes each. Is that out of 10? Do other players receive votes or just the top five who are published? In the Hawthorn game, a total of 33 votes were awarded, yet in the Adelaide St.Kilda game, 36 were awarded and in the North Eagles game, just 31. What does that signify?

Don't get me wrong, Sammy is leading with 44 votes, 5 ahead of Ablett, so all is as it should be, but it still seems quite arbitrary.