Round 1 - Hawthorn v Geelong

MCG - Monday 1 April 2013

April Fools

New Hawk couture - fits hour glass figures 

For more than four years since the infamous Kennett curse, the Hawks have been Geelong’s bunnies. And now that Hawthorn and Geelong are routinely scheduled to play on Easter Monday, we’ve simply become their Easter bunnies. 

There we were, five goals in front half way through the second quarter, with our midfield and defence on top, our forwards breaking even, and even the umpires giving us all the chocolates, but in keeping with the predictable plot lines of these Groundhog Day matches, we all knew what was going to ensue. And it duly did. Geelong was always going to win and again, we were just their bunnies in an elaborate April Fools joke. Ha Ha. 

Hawthorn is never more vulnerable than when a few goals in front of Geelong at half time. The only bet worth taking at such as stage is how long before Geelong hit the front or which Geelong player will step up to kick the winning goal. 

In the end the seven point margin flattered Hawthorn. We were completely outplayed in the second half and our little flurry near the end never really threatened to amount to much. I’m just glad Breust missed a set shot a minute or so from time so that it didn’t turn into yet another sub-goal loss. That is something I really don’t think I’d have coped with.

Hernias and hamstrings 

As it is I have an operation scheduled on Tuesday to correct an abdominal hernia. During a consultation with the surgeon I issued strict instructions that if the Hawks lose another close one to the Cats, he should just rip out my heart while he’s in there. Though as I write this it feels like the Cats have beaten him to it.

As surgery goes this is supposedly routine, but as with any surgery involving a general anaesthetic there is an element of risk. Even so, in the lead up to the weekend I was dreading the match much more than the surgery. The surgery will at least make me better.

There’s very little point giving any sort of match description; we’ve seen it all before. But purely from a record keeping perspective, it may be worth noting that our first goal of the season came from Jordan Lewis. Brad Sewell picked up where he left off in the Grand Final as our best player, Bradley Hill was lively in the first half, Schoenmakers played quite well to win his share of contests and Buddy kicked a couple of great second quarter goals. 

When Cyril received a free kick in the second quarter for a high tackle – a Geelong player was sitting on Cyril’s back with his arms over his shoulders so it seemed fairly self-evident to me – yet it was amusing to see Joel Selwood, of all people, complain to the umpire for awarding a free kick for a high tackle. 

Not Buddy's actual butt.

But he didn’t complain nearly as much as the Cats fan in the row in front of me, who became apoplectic at various points throughout the match – most vociferously whenever Buddy strayed into the action, wishing all manner of to afflictions to befall him. 

At one point he shouted out in a demented scream that he hoped Buddy would ‘do twenty hamstrings’.

My knowledge of anatomy is not comprehensive so I’m not sure how many hamstrings a person has, but at a guess I would say one or two in each leg, as per the illustration (right). I’ll have to ask my surgeon tomorrow. Clearly this bloke imagines Buddy to have some sort of concert harp type set-up in the back of his leg. Or he’s simply hoping for the same hammy to recur 20 times. 

It soon became a moot point, because by the final quarter, he’d upgraded his seething curse to ‘I hope you die Buddy!’ It seemed pretty severe threat to lay on someone who’d tried hard and kicked a couple, but then they must have said the same thing to Jesus at about this time of year as well. This type of abuse must come with being a saviour I suppose. 

I did wonder if this is the type of anti-social behaviour at matches we’re exhorted to report, but instead I decided to rise above such ugly sentiments and not get involved, for fear the surgeon would have more than a hernia to fix tomorrow. 

Watching the Hawks didn’t exactly help my prognosis. There wasn’t much to like about them – including the new jumper – but I was impressed by young Jed Anderson whose second involvement in his first game was to run straight into an oncoming Cat to make a contest. He didn’t win it but he certainly didn’t shy away from the contest.

The Promised Land

This was another spirit sapping day against Geelong, another day when, to quote Springsteen, who played at Hanging Rock over the weekend, you want to, “explode and tear this whole town apart, take a knife and cut this pain from my heart.” But even though we've grown accustomed to losing to the Cats in recent years, I still look forward to the day when we beat them again, as we will, as we must, because, just as Springsteen concludes in the same song, “I believe in the Promised Land.”


Final scores: Geelong 13 15 93  d  Hawthorn 12 14 86

What we learned: It took only 20 seconds of the 2013 season for the umpires to pay Chris Judd a free kick.

What we already knew: It would take less than 30 seconds into the 2013 season for the umpires to pay Chris Judd a free kick.