Subiaco, Sunday 7 April 2013
The Heat Is On
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| JK, like KJ (left) advocates a measured response |
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| Kim Jong-un applauds a Hawthorn attack |
The news this week was dominated by the mad bellicose ranting and absurd posturing of hostile political forces and mad despots. First there was Kim Jong-un moving his ballistic missiles into range of South Korea and Guam, and then, more alarmingly, there was Jeff Kennett firing his own ballistic missiles by advocating that Hawthorn sack coach Alistair Clarkson after our seven points opening round loss to Geelong.
Um, Jeff; it was round one and it was seven points.
To sack our coach after one loss of just over a goal would elevate us to the bizarre levels of elite soccer where coaches are changed like bandages. Chelsea last year sacked its coach after winning the UEFA trophy as the best team in Europe – it’s unclear what else the coach could have done really…got Chelsea a seat in parliament? Won the Eurovision song contest?
Sacking Clarkson after one narrow loss, however, would certainly send a strong message to any would-be applicants for the vacant position. If this is Jeff’s standard, you just wonder what he would advocate for Melbourne and Mark Neeld. Two losses totaling 200+ points would surely warrant sacking plus perhaps on-selling him to the white slave trade, or harvesting and trafficking his live organs. Or has Melbourne devised an even more cunning and dastardly plan by making him continue coaching their hopeless rabble of a team?
This was the set up to our now must win encounter with the Eagles: the Hawks coming off a six day break compared to a 15 day break for the Eagles and temperatures topping 32 degrees Celsius in Perth. At least our all white clash strip was going to prove nice and cool in the heat.
"Keddie to Full Forward!"
Not that I could see it. I was stranded on the couch as a post-op invalid, and still with no Foxtel, I was stuck with the radio for this match. SEN was covering the match and my DAB+ was picking up a nice clear signal. A lively and chatty commentary team were at the helm – Gaz, Gossy & Brett – and they seemed only marginally biased by WA standards.
They were also reasonably accurate in that I usually had some idea at which end of the ground the action was taking place and which team had the ball – although both sides having a Hill playing for them caused some confusion. Plus I learned that Steffi Graf is still good looking, or “goes alright” as one of them put it, though apropos of what I can’t say, and that Asher Keddie had been backed in from $11 to $1 for the Gold Logie. A good sign that, as Keddie is a famous name at Hawthorn and with her bouncy blonde locks, Asher would look good in the brown ‘n’ gold verticals (and the shorts). She could even have been a recruiting target in the 90s.
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| Asher Keddie likes a brown 'n gold backdrop |
For expert analysis and expostulations I had my Hawthorn buddy Chan-Tha relaying messages via text. Chan-Tha was watching via Foxtel and was also at home in post-op rehab (our operations were unrelated; it wasn't some sort of Siamese twin separation or existential Grand Final angst operation – though that wound is real enough it is sadly inoperable). She was able to balance the WA bias with an acceptable and welcome Hawthorn bias.
Without being able to see the action, the parochial Eagles crowd provides the radio follower with a clear picture of which team is awarded the free kick, much quicker than the commentators could ever hope to describe it. The sound of 30,000 people moaning is truly heart-warming. And positively joyous when they became completely feral in the final quarter.
It's It's the Hawthorn Blitz
With the effects mike unable to pick up any cheering Hawks fans, every goal comes as a complete surprise when it’s announced. And there were plenty of them. It was a veritable roll call of Hawthorn goals: Rioli, Breust, Buddy, Roughead, Buddy, Rioli. Then Burgoyne, Smith and Rioli again, and the Hawks were blitzing.
Of course anyone who follows Hawthorn, or even just saw last week’s match, knows that we are always vulnerable once we’ve gained a solid lead. And so it proved with the Eagles slamming on four goals in quick succession, before Breust and Roughead both goaled to give us a 68-42 half-time lead. Weirdly, we were kicking straight. It must have been the heat, or I was in a pain-killer induced delirium.
When Rioli and Buddy opened the third with quick goals I could again relax in my sickbed, though my wound began to trouble me again as the Eagles began to edge back into the contest. As the third quarter progressed we started to miss goals and the Eagles were kicking accurately. Breust missed a shot right on the siren. “Fuck” read Chan-Tha’s text. Our three quarter time lead was only 19 points and according to the SEN boys and more tellingly, Chan-Tha’s text messages, we were looking tired. I hit the Tramadol hard.
Listening via radio it can be difficult to tell who’s playing well. The commentary team assured us Mitchell was playing brilliantly. His name wasn’t being called that often, but most of his best work is so quick and deft the commentators don’t have time to mention him, or they miss the guy scooting off with the ball. Or in one case when they said, “Roughead lumbers after the ball”; a picture instantly familiar to any Hawks fans.
Sewell, Bailey and Birchall seemed to be in the action, and reassuringly, Hodge’s name was being called with increasing regularity as the game wore on. He appeared to be repelling a number of Eagles attacks and set up a telling goal late in the third with a great tackle and rebound. It was developing into the most welcome comeback since Bowie released ‘Where Are We Now?’ his first single in 10 years and, coincidentally, the exact question Hawthorn might have been asking had he not been there.
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| Even Bowie never wore anything this camp |
Pass the Panadeine Forte
So I had Tramadol and Panadeine Forte to help get me through the final quarter, but as it turned out, e’s and whizz would have been better suited as the Hawks piled on the goals: Birchall and Hale to start with. Then after an unwelcome intrusion by the Eagles, Hale again, followed by Breuuuust to wrap up the game. And getting into the spirit of things, the umpires awarded Hill and Buddy free kicks and 50 metre penalties, both resulting in goals to send the crowd into frothing convulsions of hate. “Love it” posted Chan-Tha. Listening to the Subiaco crowd baying, the commentary team felt the need to virtually apologise for them and reassure listeners that with a free kick count of 23 apiece, the umpiring was not the reason the Eagles were 44 points down. Then Breust and Buddy iced the game beautifully with a couple more.
There are fewer forms of pain relief as effective as a 50 point win against the odds. With our first win the season can now be said to have commenced and we can realistically begin contemplating this year’s premiership.
Final scores: Hawthorn 23 10 148 d West Coast 15 8 98.
Number of texts exchanged during the match: 65
What we learned: Steffi Graf is still hot, apparently. Asher Keddie to take home the Gold Logie. And those cynics who said Round 1 simply showed that Melbourne is still tanking and Essendon is still on drugs might actually be onto something.
What we already knew: Roughead doesn't run, he lumbers.
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