Are You Horny For Hawthorn?
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| Cheers Hawthorn! |
But it was that sort of match. The day dawned in golden Hawthorn sunshine and stayed that way. And the game proceeded as if slightly tipsy Hawks fans had written the script: Cyril’s 30 metre handball over his head for Breust to run on to, Tom Murphy dashing forward to kick a goal, The Poo’s screamer, the series of slick, quick handballs that released Young into an open goal, Cyril’s chase down of Pendlebury that resulted in a goal, Gunston’s mark and handball to Lewis for a goal, Lewis outmarking Shaw, Lewis receiving a generous free in front of goal, Shaw getting penalised for deliberate out-of-bounds after a 25 metre miskick off the ground, Breust’s dribble goal from an impossible angle on the boundary, Breust’s set shot goal from an impossible angle on the boundary, The Poo likewise, Savage’s long kick for Cyril to run onto and poke through, Clarko putting his fist through a the wall, just to illustrate that even our coach can knock down buildings…it was one long highlight reel really. And after two of Collingwood’s three first quarter goals came from Hawthorn defensive clangers, we even had the satisfaction of knowing that we were also Collingwood’s only avenue to goal.
Forty-seven points was the final margin, though it felt like more – and it certainly would have felt hat way to Collingwood fans, mainly because most of them left when the margin was 60+ points. Those Collingwood fans must be busy people; they do like an early getaway from the ground. That’s twice this year against the Hawks that they’ve scurried off early as if they had somewhere else to be. As one of my Collingwood friends remarked when the attendance figure of 83,000 went up, "there's more people waiting at Jolimont Station than in ground."
This was the designated women’s round – an AFL conceit designed purely to stop Caroline Wilson from moaning for five minutes – and to celebrate the great work women do in football, like the St.Kilda schoolgirl who helped rid the industry of Ricky Nixon.
The AFL celebrates women’s round by putting Chelsea Roffey on the cover of the Footy Record and organising some female Auskickers to play at half time. Presumably there were also luncheons, awards and cross-dressing on the Footy Show, but really, it was Hawthorn who turned it on for the ladies in Round 17 by playing a brand of football so frisky it was virtually frottage, so rousing it was, well, arousing, and so scintillating that the damsels were left weak-kneed and sexually sated by the end. I mean if you want to give the girls a good time…
…just take them through these moments from early in the third quarter:
• Smith handballs to Murphy, Murphy long kick…GUNSTON. Goal!
• Hale kicks inside 50, Lewis marks, plays on and handballs to Murphy who runs in and kicks a goal.
• Lewis takes possession from the ball-up, handballs to Breust on the boundary…and he bounces one through from an impossible angle!
• Roughead to Suckling to Mitchell to Whitecross, to Young who kicks to the pocket where Lewis gets it and screws it over his shoulder …Goal!
• Burgoyne to Birchall to Gibson to Roughhead, then to Sewell, over to Rioli who kicks long…Lewis strong mark! Goal!
But my favourite of the third term: Roughead takes possession, handballs to Puopolo who gives to Mitchell, who gets it to Rioli on to Young who runs in and kicks a goal…and it all happened quicker than it takes to read that sentence.
If that doesn’t get you horny for Hawthorn, then seek medical advice.
At a time when Damascus is burning, a madman guns down cinemagoers, Australian Olympians squabble over Business class and Premium Economy seating, and the biggest news story on the eve of the weekend is Buddy losing his driving licence for speeding, it was good to be on hand to witness something to reassure us that the world can makes sense and that good things can happen.
Final scores: Hawthorn 21 12 138 d Collingwood 13 13 91
Buddy goal tally - 0 = total, 51
Buddy behind tally - 0 = total, 49
Women’s round
Being women’s round it behoves us to turn ourselves to the question of just who are the hottest chicks in football. Or have I somehow misconstrued the point? Anyway, here’s my top three:
1. Chelsea Roffey, the goal umpire – she’s got a cute dimple and I like that she wants the best for everyone. When a player misses and she has to signal a behind, she has a sympathetic expression that clearly conveys her disappointment for the player. She really doesn’t want to give the behind signal. Really, if it was up to her – and if a million cameras weren’t there to correct it – she’d be only too happy to award a goal. After all, it didn’t miss by much. And he tried hard. Only a woman could show such humanity. And when it sails through the big sticks, she can barely contain her delight. But really, it’s the dimple.
2. Samantha Lane, from Before the Game – I mean who isn’t transported to new erotic heights when she poses with that power drill for the Tool of the Week segment? Of course working against her is that we know her Dad. Imagine at a family dinner hearing “pass the salt” requests intoned as if Buddy has just got on the end of chain of handballs. And then there’s the hairline – we know where it’s going Sam.
3. Jaimee Rogers, from TAB Sportsbet. Sure her role in footy is peripheral, and largely gratuitous, but those teeth! I mean, just imagine the hickey she could leave with those choppers; to say nothing of…
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